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Deliverance.

Cascading imperfections revealed,
I no longer bear option to cower behind what I once pretended to be;
Saints and sinners aren't so different,
shame and blame keep them planted firmly on bended knee.

Scarred truths, and deceitful mistakes
leave me thinking that nothing is simply black and white;
Satin lies, tear-stained eyes...
We say we want redemption,

but only to soothe our own fright.

Deliverance is for those with "the heart of a little child",
trusting, faithful, and believing in things unseen;
Why can't I be like that little child?
...instead I fade to an ache-bound insignificance,

never believing in impractical things.

Try as one does,
why can't we begin to grasp something bigger than ourselves
for once in our eternity of ruined endings?
We choose pain over deliverance,
because once-broken-hearts

never want to take chances with mending.

I attempt letting go of what has proved to be nothing,
only fragmented truths, and sold out illusions..
Faith is such diminishing act,
for what humanity has slowly become

holds only one visible conclusion:

We're quickly burning through our own bridges,
in the utmost reality of the figure of speech;
It seems one needs to first see faith through a child's eyes...

...only then is deliverance within our reach.

Author notes

"4.Be inspired by this song:
How to save a life – The Fray
and

8.If you are really not inspired by any of the other options, then you can try and impress me with your best prewrite. It will be a challenge though, and I will favour fresh-writes." (Though I only wrote this like two days ago.)

Thanks!


2. Deliverance.

A contest entry

What's your constructive criticisms and thoughts on my poem?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 16 of 16

  • Symphony
    April 15
    Edit | Reply
    Thought-provoking and interesting were my two thoughts after reading this - it certainly calls for concentration .. which I'm lacking, but I did my best -

    I thought it was well written, congrats on getting it all down, I imagine it wasn't easy to write!

    Thanks for entering


  • new born
    January 31

    Edit | Reply
    This is really beautiful with an interesting and thought-provoking message. I love some of the idea-images you used and your wording. Just spectacular, as always.


    • heavenbird
      January 31
      Edit | Reply
      Sorry, I was just getting to putting it in there.


      6: Saving grace. Take these words and think about them. Then write. This option also gets you 10 points.


      I hope this counts as saving grace. =]


  • xxRainbowDawnxx
    January 24

    Edit | Reply
    The start of this is so true, about saints and sinners. They are both on their knees and they both have a higher calling. Very real.


  • Never Fall in Love
    January 16

    Edit | Reply

    6/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
    7/10 - poetic devices/technique
    6/10 - imagery
    8/10 - emotion

     

    Total: 27/40

     

    I felt that you had some strong ideas and philosophy throughout but a bit of ups and downs here and there.

     

    I agree with ryan fully that the linebreaks definitely need to be improved on, starting a new line or skipping a line where emphasis can be used. Using longer lines is also a distraction.

     

    One thing i also noticed is that in the beginning you mainly state actions and that retracts from your poem because it goes on:

    -Saints and sinners aren't so different

    -shame and blame keep them planted

    -deceitful mistakes leave me thinking

     

    a bit annoying when reading all that at once.

     

    However, you have some strong images, that worked on, will have a good effect on the reader.

    • heavenbird
      January 16
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks so much for the constructive criticism.
      This was actually really hard to write.
      xP

      It's not really my general style, so if I make it to round two expect something completely different. Linebreaking is not generally an issue for me.

      Oh well. I tried my hardest. =]
      Thanks so much again!


  • Ryno
    January 13

    Edit | Reply

    30/40

    7/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
    7/10 - poetic devices/technique
    8/10 - imagery
    8/10 - emotion

    I thought you had some really good images in here, and some really affective concepts. I felt, however that your theme shifted around a lot, from what you were trying to portray.

    Really strong raw emotion though, too.

    In the future, I would work on your linebreaking. I like your style, but I think you need to use your linebreaking as a way to emphasis things more.

    Thanks.


    • heavenbird
      January 13
      Edit | Reply
      Hi! I was just wondering if you'd comment/rate my newest poem in the same manner you commented this one.
      It's the form of poetry I use generally, and I'm just wondering if you find it any better than my rhyming works.
      Hopefully so that I can know which form to use for the next round, if I make it.
      I plan to put everything into my next entry (again, if I get the chance.) and would like to know what form of my writing you, personally find more suiting to my talent.

      http://allpoetry.com/poem/4948455

      It'd be a huge help and I'd greatly appreciate it.
      And I'd be glad to comment one of your works in return.

      Thanks so much!

      -Angela.

    • heavenbird
      January 13
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks so much for the constructive criticism.
      This was actually really hard to write.
      xP

      It's not really my general style, so if I make it to round two expect something completely different. Linebreaking I don't think is generally an issue for me.

      Oh well. I tried my hardest. =]
      Thanks so much again!


      • Ryno
        January 13
        Edit | Reply
        You still did great. Don't let yourself think otherwise.


        • heavenbird
          January 13
          Edit | Reply
          It means alot. =]

          I just know I can do better.

          ...hopefully that's enough. xP


  • Luciferschild
    January 9
    Edit | Reply
    this poem needs to be compacted to really amplify what it is about, i liked the theme but it is hard to really feel with alot of filler that seems to be in this poem, then again i like statemewnts that are short and concise not long and dragged out like in this peice, i still think you did a good job only i would have written it a bit differently, thank you for entering and good luck


  • Vaquerita
    January 4

    Edit | Reply

    Nice job

    deliverance would be right up there with those things that are tangibly intangible. definitely a part of our life and definitely impossible to achieve in our world.

    Mahalo for your entry!


  • insideinsanity
    January 1

    Edit | Reply
    'We're quickly burning through our own bridges, '

    The most spoken phrase, I would guess, that I've heard correlates to that... But what a way to turn it. This seems to bud beyond just the mental confine of concern; it moves into the realm of looking at the outside world and seeing a problem.

    But what a write.

    Very impressive.

    Thank you for entering!

  • Abnormal
    December 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Nice poem. It has been carefully constructed and you had a good idea. However, you did not follow my rules: I said in my rules that you had to specify which option you used. Please fix this!
    It's a lovely poem, and I don't want to DQ it.
    Thank you for entering, and best of luck!


  • Haygood gold member
    December 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    I agree.

    You must come with the faith of a child. Deny what you think you know and embrace what the Word has said. Enjoyed.

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