Watch as I turn to ash,
Hold me gently,
As I slowly blow away....
(With a gentle whisper)
I am forever within your grasp,
Discarded and broken,
The remains are buried,
Deep within your icy bosom,
This timeless emotion,
An inescapable prison,
(I seek to stay),
Locked (within) the inner chapel,
For whom will you sing,
To whom does this lament of love belong,
Still you are silent,
Breath as soft as the wind,
Taking my ashes,
Cascading them across this (tear stained) field,
The hallowed grounds of our romance,
Forever within your grasp,
(With a gentle whisper)
My ashes flow,
Along the stream of melody,
(Your soft vow of love),
Forever eternal,
Author notes
The first verse is taken from the original piece, the last five lines this is the continuation of the original piece just with a darker tone.
A contest entry
- love by Melissa Gayle.
1000 points, ended December 29, 2008, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What was strong, what was weak?
Comments
-
You stepped slightly outside of the love box, thank you for that.
You have a TON of unneeded punctuation and the parenthesis aren't needed. They just don't do anything extra with the piece.
I think there is a foundation here but you need a bit more 'outside' thinking -
-
Thank you for that, I feel I must explain a little. The parenthesis are the thoughts of the "speaker" as he says these things. I write in a style that requires it be imagined as being said. Hence it is a view of what the "Speaker" says and what they think inside. A sort of add-on to the line that we hear, but not always what we hear. Sort of an odd combination. But I enjoy it.
-
Adding your comment:
