Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Forget Regrets

Desperate analogies,
thunder storm warnings-
what were they trying to say?
It doesn't matter -
we can't turn back time.

Obsessive compulsive,
wipe ruby lipstick from your collar-
hold on tight this time,
we're going on a ride.

Dirt road chemists
we got lost in bitter moments
of bourbon and cheap whiskey.
Falling all over ourselves
in an attempt to forget
all the things we didn't do.

There were hearts in your eyes
at least five miles back-
but we can't stop just yet.

---

Author notes

I'm playing with this. But I think it's done for now.

A contest entry

Be harsh, be specific.

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • insideinsanity
    December 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hmm. I like it the way it is right now.

    Affair? Regardless, the title fits with it wonderfully. Good luck in the contest!


  • gypsy camp
    December 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    "closet masochists" is a really bad way to start this off. id totally get rid of that. yea, you do, as mel pointed out, too much "telling". you're telling the reader exactly whats going on, without giving us images to sink our teeth into, if you will.
    i mean, the emotion is there, but you need to slow down and work on the execution.


    • Livingemptyspaces
      December 28, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Mhmm. Thanks for the comment. I really don't know what I'm doing when it comes to love poems(And if anyone at my age claims too, they're off their rockers). So I attempted to redo it... Manage to lose the meaning in the process. But thanks so much for the criticism. It can only help me get better at this.


      • gypsy camp
        December 28, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        , im excited you didnt get mad. your graciousness is appreicated.
        honestly, id shorten it some, keep only your strongest bits, and stay in the parameters of what you do know.


        • Livingemptyspaces
          December 28, 2008

          Edit | Reply
          I'm still learning how to write, so anyone who is constructive is appreciated in my books. I'll try and stay with what I know ;P But I enjoy playing with that I don't. It's the fun of learning ^^

          • gypsy camp
            December 28, 2008
            Edit | Reply
            yes, yes it is. but, love is a tricky thing to write about

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    December 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply


    While I appreciate the effort, I would like to see something a bit more outside of the box and with less telling and more imagery.


    • Livingemptyspaces
      December 28, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I attempted to make it a better piece. (attempted being the key word). Good luck with the contest.

1 - 8 of 8