.
you protest; i rip
hands from my face,
close my ears to the
hypnotism of your
ribbon-voice flowing to
ears parched for music
and in this action i
see clearly, without
the self-deception that
i twisted around
i see those tell-tale
black-crescents, underneath
manicured fingernails
where you raped my earth
trying to plant a flag
of foreign colours, as if
i were exotic and like
the moon, open to conquest
.
In a list
A contest entry
- For My Favorites Only by Dalaney.
1000 points, ended January 27, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is a draft - be as harsh as you like.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I admire this poem. It has two distinct parts, each part again of two parts. the imagry of each part or stanza is set of exactly right to make the stanza glow: fourth stanza 'raped' as well as 'plant', third stanza 'black-crescents' (wonderful), second stanza 'twisted' a perfect grab at first stanza 'ribbon-voice flowing' (the hyphen works like a nail in wood here). The darn poem is amazing and makes me sit here and read it whether I want to or not, and did, several times.
fine, skilled work
off to my power poetry list this goes
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Thank you very much for entering. My favorite stanza
is:
"where you raped my earth
trying to plant a flag
of foreign colours, as if
i were exotic and like
the moon, open to conquest"
Love, Lane
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"close my ears to the
ribbon of hypnotism"
This makes me think of the times people whisper in front of blind people. I saw that when I read those words. I love poetry that makes me see, feel, think... Exquisite!
I wish you well in Lane's contest. I know she'll love this poem!
Much Love, Respect & Happy New Year! ♥
Renee
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powerhouse write, especially the last two stanzas. This could be read on many levels from socio-political to love&lust to psychological. She outta really enjoy this. Kudos
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Hmmm, interesting, perhaps a sharp political jab at modern-day warfare?
All the best,
MJ.
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Damn.
I still have no clue what I'm going to write for Lane's contest.
"you protest; i rip"
This is so cool. It makes me think of "I Robot, You Jane" (or w/e the hell that quote is)...in the sense that it just works really well. Like a yo-yo. A balance. It just sounds cool.
"close my ears to the
ribbon of hypnotism"
Ribbon of hypnotism is really groovy, but that 'of' sounded awkward to me, somehow.
Maybe: "close my ears to
that hypnotism,
a [dangling? somethingsomething?] ribbon from your mouth"
"to ears parched for music"
This is just my personal preference; I think this would be better with that first stanza.
"i see those tell-tale
black-crescents, underneath
manicured fingernails"
That is great imagery, and it reads off effortlessly and unpretentiously. It feels like a contrast of sorts - dirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt and manicured fingernails! w00t!
'foriegn'==>foreign...typo, I'm sure.
"and like
the moon, open to conquest"
!!!
Shitall, those are great ending lines.
The word 'conquest' is amazing in every aspect, and it's amazing in every aspect here.
Lane's a sucker for moon imagery in her poems (I sound like a poetry creeper)...you did moon imagery some fuckin' justice there.
;
Jessica
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You are amazing - I don't think I would ever get past drafts if you weren't ready with a figurative red pen better?
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I LOVE the edit! "ribbon-voice" is genius...and, hyphenated correctly - I think I might be donut-glazed with adoration with the correct use of a hyphen, LMAO.
"to the
hypnotism of your"
Now I'm starting to think there's a missing syllable, or a missing adjective before 'hypnotism'...I was thinking (for some reason) "raw hypnotism". Like, that's how I read it in my head.
I don't know why.
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Wow.
Effective. Your word choice is stark and really smacks the reader in the face. However, I think this was the intention and it has been completed.
I would suggest capitals for the letter I, but I am a stickler for that.
I like the last two stanzas. They are a powerful ending showing that sometimes, things cannot occur despite the most vicious trying.
Shari
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