Scarlet burnt sky & vodka kisses goodbye;
really was nice talkin 'n smokin,
till our last weary mumbles & the final sigh.
Fatigue our bodies can not try to deny;
it's bitter 'n grim, just like sin
served stiff, with vodka kisses goodbye.
Our glasses are full, yet lips remain dry--
This bleedin red sky keeps burnin
till our last mumbles, & final jaded sigh.
Time passes, our cigars burn & slowly die;
cool blue smoke starts witherin--
our hip mood swiftly vodka kiss'd goodbye.
Rosy-red brow saggin, smiling, mad & sly.
Killed the last warm shot of gin,
before our weary mumbling & the final sigh.
Rubbin my sore-achin 'n crusted left eye,
as my ole belly starts a-blazin
from devil sky & stiff vodka kiss goodbye--
bloody mary stirrin my last wry & tired sigh.
A contest entry
- Verse Poetry - Form or Metered by Corey Harvard.
500 points, ended December 27, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Give it to me dirty and cruel baby.
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Vodka kisses goodbye! Nice! I really liked this. Different from the other styles I've read on AP. Great work and good luck to you in the contest.
Love
Ylova
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I think this has to have the most personality of all the poems I've reviewed so far. The local color and colloquialisms mesh well with its loose meter. It certainly has qualities that makes it stand out. So let's talk about specifics.
I really enjoyed the dialect. It's something I hardly see, and when I do see it, it typically isn't used very well. Perhaps poets are afraid that casual language of any kind is counter-intuitive in poetry... so many people are fixated on the idea that poetry is elegant or fragile. You've illustrated skillfully that poetry - specifically verse poetry - can break the stereotypes.
Your phrasing is strong. I'm a sucker for contemporary poetry, and since it isn't very prevalent on AP (outside the realms of free-verse), it's always refreshing when I do see it.
Pertaining to form, I have a compliment and a criticism. The compliment is that your refrain lines are brilliant. Again, it's just not the typical allpoetry villanelle. Color me impressed. Additionally, I like the meter variation on the B lines. At first I wasn't sure of them, but now I feel good about them. So rhyme scheme and the general feel of the meter (loose iambs) didn't bother me. But when I look closer at your meter, the melody gets shaky in some spots. In application, I think the biggest problem was wordiness. This could be a product of too many accented syllables in one line.
This is a strong piece! You've obviously got the gift.
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wow...
only words i can say... i love the flow.. how it sways... -
Wonderful
Very creative and so well done. Best of luck in the contest.
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