Letters in a walmart sack.

My mind is spinning with thoughts and questions I want to ask anyone,
It's turning and bleeding wanting to ask or talk to someone.
My heart is beating and beating so fast,
If I keep my worrying up I wonder how much longer my heart will last.
I think of the times I'm mean to other people.. and how I hurt them so bad,
I mean to but I don't .. I just get so fucking mad.
I say sorry but it doesn't mean anything anymore,
I get no sympthany for the tears that pour.
Sometimes when I wake up I wish I would have died in my sleep,
All I want to do is close my eyes and softly weep.
I love everyone so much but I don't show it enough,
And I know I'm pushing him away but Damien knows all I have for him is love.
I couldn't live without him yet I don't deserve him for all the mistakes I have made,
I've let down myself ... all the dreams I used to have seem to fade.
If I hung myself would I get to feel the wind blowing through my hair?
If I slit my wrists and bled everywhere.. would anyone care?
If I took this cigarette to my arm and let it just fucking burn would it take away my pain like it has before?
If I dug a razor into my neck and cut and cut would I have to worry anymore?
If I would have died at birth would I be here with all these problems I'm dealing with?
Sometimes I think being happy is just a myth.
All the constant worrying and nail biting,
To save myself.. is it worth fighting?
To stop killing the ones I love with my hurtful words and evil ways what do I do?
You wouldn't know what to do either if it was you.
Enough rambling on and on I think you get my point,
Would it even help me if I lit up a big fat joint?
No because everything's still their when your not high,
Even when your feeling good you crash thinking you could fly.
I sit here and guess what I bought a gun,
I'll be dead before the sun.
I write letters to everyone I've hurt.. or anyone I've effected,
Hopefully they will be read.
But the 2 most important ones are to my mom and damien they are who I love so much,
But his face nor her will I be able to touch.
I wont get to laugh at his silly jokes,
and he wont get to annoy me with his dorky pokes.
And she wont get to hug me and tell me she loves me,
It will just be her instead of we.
And I wont get to kiss him and feel his soft face anymore,
And I wont get to joke with her so much that I adore.
So I write I love you Damien.. don't forget me so fast,
And I write to her I love you Mother... it's already in the past.
I put the gun in my mouth as tears stream down my face,
My mind continues to race...
And there I am dead, blood everywhere... and a blank and wide stare... skin as  white as a white christmas tree snowflakes falling ..I pulled the trigger and I fell on my back, and I am free .. holding on to pictures of family and Damien and holding on to the  letters in a walmart sack.

----By Bianca