Shall i be?

Author notes

Well.. i admit i'm not a wondeful writer but i have to summarize this poem i just have to say it's about me putting on a facade and how society does the same. too many people i know just wear a smile, but behind that smile is a withering soul. they are dying insie, the pain is almost unbearable but they never express any emotions. it drives me nuts!! i can't stand it. i'm not going to pretend to be someone i'm not. i've tried to run away from my identity and paste the smile but as i've said "I'm not them".. i'm not society.. i'm not my friends. i'm me.. God created me to be me.. so yeah.. this is the poem for the "Speak" contest... sorry if it does not make sense. i am terrible writing poems on a whim unless i'm really in the mood. but i enjoyed writing it anyway.

Comments

• By me, right now

  Adding your comment:
• SupremeDreamer
  December 25, 2008
  
  Edit | Reply

  It needs a complete overhaul.

  The cliche and tired wording of it all made it a chore for me to read-- that and the repetetive redundancy. Length is fine if it serves a point. It also runs here and there-- give it structure. I know these emotions are what they are, but poetry is taking that and shaping it into something unique that grabs the readers mind and soul. As for being terrible at writing poems on a whim? Write and then edit. The power of a poet really hinges on that poets ability to edit his/her work, to refine it and give glorious form to the chaos.
• • 
    diruparadise
    December 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    hmmm...

    thanks for the comment. perhaps i will withdraw from the contest b/c ur comment has made me feel inferior... almost ignorant... i don't think i should be in a contest where i'm told to rewrite my words...bleh... i will edit it but this contest seems more troublesome then anthing else. i'm not here to be "aesthetically pleasing" for others. i'm hear to write what i want. if i wanted to do that i'd take a class or perhaps get lessons of sorts. but that's not my goal nor my interest. thanks anyway... i'm not much of a perfectionist for writing.. i'm a vocalist.. that's where my perfection should lie, not in my poetry... i don't know where to go w/ this poem and take no interest in "overhauling" it...
  • • SupremeDreamer
      December 25, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Then why do you post your work here where poetry is commented on and critisized?
      
      Forgive me if I seem condescending, but it seems to me that you're just throwing your hands up, giving up, and stating that you're really more focused on your vocal talents.
      
      If you had no intentions on improving upon your skills, why be here? Why post a poem in a contest? If you don't posses the stomach for challenge, it all makes little sense.
      
      Dontcha think?
    • • diruparadise
        December 25, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        how can you say "forgive me if i seem condescending" when you continue to do so? i removed it from the contest. i merely like to write freely not follow structures. i have no need for them because i write out of enjoyment and expression of my own accord. i do not write to "please" others. not my intentions. nobody really reads my poetry anyway. And i did not expect to have such a rude reaction to my poem. i did as the contest said "write thoughts, speak". and that is precisely what i did. criticism is good.. but only to an extent... but i guess because i'm so used to being "babied" when it comes to criticism; it is difficult to swallow.
        
        i do not plan to enter any further contests until i "improve" which will not be the case because i shall write to express not impress. i'm not here for that. i am sorry if i have seemed rude but i am offended. i feel very insulted and belittled. you did not criticize in a polite manner thus my expressions toward you are not very happy...
      • • SupremeDreamer
          December 26, 2008
          Edit | Reply

          Rude?

          No, I was not rude at all-- If I wanted to be rude, I'd have simply said you were a hack with no spine to boot in a some-what schizophrenic manner. I wouldn't have bothered to point out the poems flaws, or suggest ways of going about overhauling it-- I'd have just told you to cease molesting my eyes with pseudo-emo-pimple-poetic dribble.
          
          I'm not an ass simply because you posses some petty inferiority complex. There's a real definite difference in me being rude and me when I'm being frank in a constructive sorta' way; you're probably beginning to notice.
          
          I'm not subtle in my insults, nor am I indulgent in my criticism. I won't pamper to someones narcissistic act of literary masterbation and say "That was good shit!!!". If I wrote crap, and you thought it sucked, or was lacking, I'd want you to be upfront about it and offer suggestions as to how I could go about polishing the poem and my skill in the craft. You know why? Because I take it seriously.
          
          Next time attach a warning header that states:
          
          "I write not for you but for me and actual perspective as to the real condition of this poem and my ability to write IS NOT WANTED. Just tell me it's pretty, say that I'm special, talented, and that my poem was a sacred donation to mankinds' literary pantheon."
          
          That way I won't be fooled into wasting my fucking time.
          
          Now you know what RUDE is. This is indeed a learning experience that'll upset your quaint hallmark dreams of artistic recognition for dressing up your emo journal as poetry. It hurts us all when you cross-dress in the Nightmare on 13th street style.
          
          Excuse me for being rude, I simply have little stomach for infantile BULLSHIT.
        • • diruparadise
            December 26, 2008
            Edit | Reply
            hmm... i do not ask to be pampered or patted on the back. i know my poetry is not "good". if any person in their right mind thinks that their own poetry is good then it probably is not good. All artists of sorts always think little of their work. that's perfection. yet, i was not used to people making comments such as yours on my work. but all minds think differently...
            
            i am sorry you had to read my "bullshit". i will be sure in the future to no longer waste time and post "crap". i do not wish to ruin people's lives by doing so. Thus, i guess i shall be doing a service.
            
            yes, you are right the poem needs "overhauling"... the way i was writing was more lyrical. thus it was repetitive because the repeated lines were like a chorus of sorts. and indeed it is an "emo" poem and i'm rather proud of that fact because my personality type is that of "emo".
            
            i'm disturbed by how cruel your words are but indeed they are true. perhaps cruel is not the right word.. just merely truthful. i guess the saying is correct "the truth hurts". and it does... you learn from your mistakes and experiences. thus i shall learn from this experience... perhaps i should have read your comments with a clearer mind... but often it's hard to look past the "negative" critiques and veiw them more as a helping hand.
            
            
          • • SupremeDreamer
              December 26, 2008
              Edit | Reply
              The bullshit was your response to my initial comment and the subsequent pouting. It was infantile, it was a plea for pity, a way of conjuring guilt. I don't feel guilty or ashamed. My critique wasn't negative, your response to it was.
              
              It's really perspective and the subsequent reaction-- One man see's victory in defeat, the other defeat in victory. Reality is how you twist it. How'd you like to manifest fate? You want to reinforce the "I suck at writing." thought, or say "I merely need to refine my ability, and bring out the talent that lies dormant within my soul."? It's always in the end
              
              Up
              To
              You.
              
              Peace & best wishes.
            • • diruparadise
                December 26, 2008
                Edit | Reply
                hmm... perhaps i did have a "plea for pity" however i was not infantile. and if i was it was a very low level of immaturity. i do not like immature people thus for the most part i try not to act immature. i did not want to cause dispute or argument w/ you but my nature leads me to do so. especially if i feel threatened even if i am not.
                
                maybe i do have "talent" hidden deep somewhere... only trouble is trying to refine it... i can not approach it at this moment. maybe in the future when i can take a class or can swallow criticism. for now i shall write as i am and maybe with practice and time i shall improve and i will try to listen w/ an open mind to criticisms that may be difficult for me to bear. in addition, i do not take this seriously. there are things that i take serious and for that reason i improve but this "art" is just a hobby that perhaps i need to take it more seriously and care about it more otherwise i insult others such as yourself by posting "pathetic" poetry... it's not right.
                
                i do not enjoy bad vocalists so good poets do not enjoy bad poets, lol! so i can see what you mean. i apologize for making you upset.. that was not my intention. i was upset and it takes time for me to cool down.
                
                enjoy ur day! God bless.

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