The foolishness will overwrite
The goals we have set in our sight
How can we want to overcome
These problems when we are so dumb?
Why should we try, when we can stay
Exactly how we are today?
You think you're happy, so do I
So why should we even try?
"It's common sense" you want to say
But won't, instead in silence stay
You want to think that hope is there
But don't want anyone to stare
Your scared to try to deviate
You tell youself you'll only wait
And one day speak, you voice so strong
No one will try to prove you wrong
But no one speaks, not even you,
And we'll just continue to do
Exactly what we're doing now;
We can't change when we don't know how.
Author notes
Two new poems in two days? I know... amazing for me. I think my muse is back.
Not sure where this came from. I was going throught some drafts and found a very messy octet, that after losing half of it, and adding a few stanzas this came out of it. I don't remember writing the draft, so am not sure if this is what I intended, but it's defenitely not the worst thing I've written.
Thanks for reading!
Comments
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aint it the truth tho
apathy is or seems to infect every cell of society...
but there are still those who are aware... this write is proof of that.
also praise be (insert your god) there is beautiful golden light bombarding this planet in amounts never seen b4
the flooding of this ... what i call Christ light is causing a global shift in awareness ... in my mind it wont be long now b4 peace on earth is achieved. though true peace can only be found inside one's self. we are on the verge of something big.... i can feel it.... i bet you can too
love this write in case you couldn't tell
~teddybare~
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Entropy and apathy, two personal favorites! Wanting to do what you feel is the right thing while fearing to bring any notice upon yourself.
I enjoy what you have to say here though I disagree with much of it. We do know how to change, most of us anyway, we are merely too fearful of actually making the effort to do so. There is very much a "sheep" menatlity which we have allowed to poison the waters. Heaven knows we don't want to be singled out as different now do we.
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I realize I've already commented on this poem, but I went through it a drop more slowly.
Just my humble opinion, but you may want to consider this option for the second line in the first stanza. Try reading it out loud and you'll hear what I mean. (The second line the way you have it has the first word stressed, which hinders the flow just slightly.)
Each of the goals we hold in sight
In the third line instead of "want" you might want to consider "hope" which I think carries the message of what you are trying to say slightly better.
Line 7 there's a small spelling error. Should be, "you're" happy,
Bother the stress is on the "er" which is a bit off. Consider changing to a two syllable word with a stressed/unstressed sequence.
All that said, I love the idea of the poem. It hits on deep questions. Personally I believe that one of the reasons we are alive (amongst a bigger theological question) is to strive toward perfection as human beings. That said, unless we find out how, we are stuck. -
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Thanks for the comment(s)! You're one of my favorite poets on here to get comments from because you always manage to find a suggestion for improvement, and you seem to be able to tell what a poet wants their poem to say, and help them better accomplish it. Thanks again!
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I do try to be helpful. I've written now for 10 years, and my writing improved tremendously when Kenn Nisbett (he's published a number of humorous poetry books for kids, and has sold over 1 million copies I believe) made a couple of small points on poems of mine, and recommended a book to me on rhythm which was work to go through, but quite helpful. Hopefully someday some publisher will have pity on me and publish my collection of poems so I can share them with the world (right now I only really post poems on this site that would not really work in a book, like for a specific contest.)
I've enjoyed reading your poems, and seeing the effort you put into improving the craft. You don't simply throw down words like "cat" and "hat" just to rhyme, and that makes the poems interesting, and your handle on rhythm is probably better than mine was at your age.
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Omg this is oh so true, its excellent, and the flow is spot on. xx
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this is good.
i liked the ending. at times the inability of people to change scares me. but sometimes its comforting, knowing that things will stay the way i expect them to be.
you do have a few grammatical errors with the "your"s.
but. overall. well done.
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Very good poem! Most of the "your"s in this poem need to be "you're"s though.
This is my favorite stanza:
"Why should we try, when we can stay
Exactly how we are today?
You think your happy, so do I
So why bother to even try?"
I also really enjoyed the ending. Beautiful poem. Keep up the great work.
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This poem provides an interesting perspective. Few people ever stop to say "what can I do to take my life, and take it to the next level" stepping outside their present situation (and paradigm) and opening themselves up to a legitimately new perspective on life.
I didn't love the rhyming in this poem, definitely not as much as some of your previous ones (never was a big fan of the word "dumb" to convey any emotional feeling, though that's just me.)
Still a nice write, and a thought provoking one.
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There are a few grammatical errors, but other than that, overall it's a very well-written poem. Thank you for sharing.
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i think it was ok, but i have to say rhyme rules. and too hard for most, that's why they don't do it. i'd rather read an ok poem that rhymes, than one that doesn't. i see you have potential. and would like to see more. as far as obscure. i think i got it. it's about putting things off, wanting to make a change, but unable to make the change and happy to lie to ourselves. great concept for a poem, i have to say. the last line of the third stanza, made a world of sense to me.
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Well, I can't really tell what it's about. Perhaps just not wanting to achieve goals or not wanting to take risks, but it seems a little obscure. Maybe that's what you're going for here; I just didn't particularly care for that. Otherwise, it's a nice idea and something that's very true. It's a pretty good poem, even though I'm not the biggest fan of rhyming.
""It's common sense" you want to say
But won't, instead in silence stay"
That was a good part, especially the way you rephrased it to make it rhyme. Because I never write rhyming poetry, I never would have thought to phrase something the way you did right there.
Good luck!
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