so it is you and i in an art gallery more reminiscent of the divine comedy than some ostentatious loft setting in the manhattan of this time zone.
and now i am thinking we have been blown about this second floor for too long; far too long, as together heights were our strong suit (i am as afraid of falling as i am of suicide via overdosing), so maybe i belong somewhere on the seventh level.
especially considering that dim glimmer in your eyes, as though the little placard in front of some shiny dali painting they have shipped in from headquarters down in my hometown – almost as though you finally understand some little pretentious part of perfection.
you see an existential crisis seeping from the tea bags of a contemplative, brilliant man.
i see melting clocks and naked ladies, fleshy unlike the bodies now created by these modern corpses.
so your eyes hold the systematic interpretation as you churn about that data, whilst not starting at the beginning, deciding what is art.
and now as you are down to the true future section, the pictures of dead mice and borderline pornographic girls with lattice scars made from paper-mâché, because they never thought to carry burdens like a calcified fetus – something that prevents any other from prevailing in the barren desert of a mind, a body, and we have left our souls elsewhere in this journey to hell.
and i truly think if that chandelier made from dollar pocket mirrors could hold my weight, i could stick a plaque into the molten ground beneath us and let my hanged body be a final protest against this mutilation of truth. the owners, operators, and staff playing house would never notice, just expect to bill me for the volume i am disturbing as i slowly begin to slough off skin, yet still retaining more purity, dignity, and obvious beauty than those spread eagle girls beyond slight warnings.
Author notes
this is no where near done, obviously, i just seriously want some tips on what to do here!
What needs changing? No "rly good" type comments, please.
Comments
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I can't say anytihng, but that I love your words. I cannot produce a detailed critique. I'm much too niave and love everything I see.
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I saw this in the Critical Features and decided to have a go. So..I read the first sentence and had a "wait what?" reaction.
"in the manhattan of this time zone."
What does the time zone have to do with anything? Are there several Manhattan's, all in different time zones? And this isn't just a one-moment-of-confusion-moving-on sort of reaction. It continues as I read. Now, I see all the play with sound and language here, but must it come at the price of suffocating the clarity of the meaning. Now, mind, I'm not a weak reader, so I'm not telling you to dumb it down. But when I, having read quite a few advanced texts for light reading, have trouble following a poem and keep feeling my interest slip, I'm thinking it's not just me. Perhaps some of the language could be cut down, or at least focused. If the word isn't directly adding to the piece, maybe it doesn't need to be there. Example:
"if that pocket mirror chandelier could hold my weight, i could stick a plaque into the molten ground and let my hanged body protest this mutilation of truth."
Reasons for edits:
[and i truly think - unnecessary since you're the speaker. It's from your pov so "I think" is a given. And I doubt anyone would think "perhaps s/he untruly thinks" so the "truly" isn't adding anything]
[change of word order in "if that chandelier made from dollar pocket mirrors" was somewhat a style decision, but also, the idea of something being a "pocket" mirror implies cheapness when attacked to "chandelier". Also I felt the first version had too many clauses/words.]
[beneath us - pointless, because it's assumed that the grounds below. No need to say it unless it isn't usually beneath you. Like saying "white snow".]
[be a final - well, if it's hanged, it kinda implies "final". Plus, "final protest" sounds ridiculously melodramatic.]
[against - well I hardly think anyone would think you're protesting "for" something, so just "protest this mutilation" seems to do the job]
(The semi-colon in the second sentence does not seem to be grammatical, as an aside)
Again, my reasons may not be reason enough to change the piece - after all, the final call if yours. But unless something is done/shifted/pruned, for me, the piece is too heavy with wordiness to be readable and digestible. Perhaps it might work as a spoken-word piece.
Anyhow, just some thoughts. Good luck writing and keep typing!
Nocturne
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