Santa Claws

Twas the night before Christmas
And all throught the pad
All the people were shouting
For the party they had

The "out-crowd" was hung
On the gallows with glee
'Cause no one could ruin
This partying spree


The couples were wrestling
Up in their beds
While visions of others
Danced in their heads

And I in my boxers
And my girl in her thong
Had just settled down
For a holiday bong

When out in the lobby
There came a loud shot
I jumped from my girl
All mad and what not

Away to the doorway
I trot like a mare
Buck-naked of course
But why should I care?

The booze that was spilt
From way back awhiles
Gave a gross yellow look
To the dirty floor tiles

And what to my threatonous
Shouts did come
But a dark looking figure
With a forty-nine magnum

With a hefty dead reindeer
All bled on the ground
I knew in a minute
That he made the sound

Then in through the window
The others, they came
And he shouted and shot
Killing them just the same

From the top of the handgun
To the top of the wall
The smoke swirled around him
And the felled reindeer all

As the smoke cleared away
From the real gruesome sight
He piled the corpses
And burned them that night

So shocked from the scene
I swayed back and forth
But caught myself
As I fell towards the earth

And then in a sprinkling
Of fairy dust he
Looked at his claws
Real casually

He looked up and saw me
A guy in the nude
He pointed and sniggered
At the naked dude

I covered myself
And acted real calm
But he could smell fear
Like dogs could smell bombs

He tossed me a towel
Still a cackling cad
So I put it on
With the dignity I had

His eyes were all red
His fangs were all bloody
His claws were real sharp
And dirty and muddy

His slight open mouth
Had a really cruel frown
And his shirtless chest
Was all furry and brown

A lit cigarette
He held loose in his hand
The tobacco was stank
I could hardly withstand

He had a loose belt
And his pants were unzipped
His black boots were huge
And his pant legs were ripped

He was built like a man
But his features screamed not
His tail was real bushy
His ears straight and stout

A last small snigger
And a tiny grin
He leaned in closer
And said I was "in"

The "list" I knew
Was conversed here
He gave me a present
I'd been good all year

He spoke nothing else
A quick wave was all
Then, turning away
He dashed though the hall

Out of the window
Saluting, he sprang
Jumping off walls
To land in a "stang"

And I heard him exclaim
As he drove out of sight
"You're invited to
Santa Claws' place tonight!"