I hear you whisper, “Love is fleeting,”
between each desperate breath you take.
Even still, the heart lies beating.
Upon our lips' first secret meeting,
Forbidden joys gave birth to ache.
I hear you whisper, “Love is fleeting.”
Yet we thought it fault worth repeating,
Declaring each kiss a blessed mistake.
Even still, the heart lies. Beating
back each weak conversion, competing
faith and lust make spirits quake.
I hear you whisper, “Love is fleeting.”
Gambling souls swear time is cheating.
We pray 'midst loss that we might break
Even. Still the heart lies, beating.
Retreating into Death's dark greeting,
the sleep from which we shall not wake,
I hear you whisper, “Love is fleeting.”
Even still, the heart lies beating.
Author notes
Villanelle about forbidden love ala Tristan and Isolde, Romeo and Juliet, two gay lovers, and anyone else who has had to hide their love with tragic consequences.
A contest entry
- Verse Poetry - Form or Metered by Corey Harvard.
500 points, ended December 27, 2008, 17 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Wow. What a well-executed villanelle! You've conjured up very effective refrain lines, and the general progression of this piece is more than satisfying.
First, the subject material was strong. No doubt, one of the more piercing themes in the contest. Well done!
On style, I'm most impressed. Your phrasing is spectacular and your language is uncompromising. I'm especially happy with your alterations in the refrains.
On form, the rhyme scheme is spot on and the meter is nearly there. In a couple places you've got a syllable too many. Here's one place I can offer a solution:
Gambling souls swear that time is cheating.
Unless it feels too unnatural without it (and I don't think it will), you can ditch the "that".
If poetry competitions were judged like olympic gymnastics - the difficulty of the form being the base score for the event - villanelles would register highest of the forms. I mean, c'mon, 19 lines with only two rhymes to work with and only two refrains to work around... that's tough stuff! And you've handled it masterfully.
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