Fluttering and faltering they tumble
Through the mid-way clouds
In the wind-tossed sky.
Each flake holds a thought
As it touches down on the whitened earth.
Spilling they are spirit tears
Of joy and sorrow
Resting for a spell
In brief return to troubled human hearts.
They make melting fall
Before icy death
Hardens living warmth.
As sunbeams strike away the breathless snow
Secrets formed en masse
Seep and rise to life
Beckoning new thoughts
Released to join the light of cosmic home.
Author notes
I have used a form of 10,5,5,5 syllable repeated lines to mirror the flurries of snowflakes. I just hope it works, though. Also, I write in UK English
A contest entry
- ~ Secrets In The Snow ~ by Stuart Higginson.
650 points, ended February 13, 2009, 12 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Contest Critique
Hi
Many thanks for this entry, which I've very much enjoyed reading. Though I'm not usually fond of receiving concrete/shape-form entries in my contests, the snow flurry was an interesting concept, which worked well - arty, yet staying within an easily readable written/typed format!! I was impressed!
This piece made for interesting and enchanting reading - you captured the mysterious depth of winter, the secrets in the snow as per the contest title, and presented something quite spiritual and mystical at the same time. I interpreted the secrets as being the land and its new flora and fauna rising ... being revealed ... as all vestiges of the snow faded, their messages spoken, their duties done.
Your lines provoked my ponderings, which I'd like to share!
"Each flake holds a thought" ... suggested the ephemeral nature of snowflakes, drifting aground like thoughts which come to and fall from mind.
"Flakes are spirit tears
Of joy and sorrow" ........ these lines made me imagine the stars weeping ... heavenly bodies crying onto Earth.
I loved the line "As sunbeams strike away the breathless snow" ... a very powerful image here; I envisaged white fields being "ploughed" by golden rays.
Editorial Suggestions:
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
L6) Since "flake" is used a couple lines previously, I thought a synonym would work well here, rather than "flakes" ... perhaps one that'd allow a little alliteration in this line, and present a fresh vocabulary-choice?
That was the only point I really wished to raise; this was an excellent entry, and I thank you for it
Best wishes,
Stuart -
Hi Mum. A lovely write. Vivid descriptives. You painted a picture that is visual and magical. Good imagery, flow and tone. Lovely depth of feeling. Good word choice, alliteration and nice assonance. Well penned and much enjoyed.
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Hi crystaldust,
The contest holder left me a message to please send out to each person here entered. This is the message;
Gets, I'm having major trouble with my pc and internet, can read AP pages but can't submit messages or comments in the field. This will mess with my contest judging, so could you let people know there may be delays, but that I am writing the critiques by hand and will do everything via a friend's pc in the next week? Thanks, Stu -
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Hi,
please relay my thanks to Stu for information about his compulter and also my regrets that he has problems with it again. It doesn't matter how long I wait for his critique, it'll be worth it when he has the time to do it. So, wish him a much improved happy new year and say I look forward to more contests when he and his pc are in agreement with each other again. He has my sympathy with that: my pc and I frequently have violent misunderstandings.
Cheers!
Joy
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Hi Joy, managed to set up K's computer took all night,lol, but got there in the end, this is a beautiful poem and was a pleasure to read, aml Di
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