The night was cold, the sky pitch black.
She stopped herself from looking back.
Afraid of what she may have found,
To explain the chasing sounds.
She was aware, something was there.
No longer thinking straight.
That thing behind, the undefined
Had quickened now, it's gait.
The moon revealed it's ivory face
She glanced at what was making chase
It looked as if nothing was there
She knew there was no time to stare
Though she could see nothing could be
Following her then
Walked faster still, loudly until
The steps started again
She nearly stopped her quick retreat
But refused to accept defeat
She wouldn't let this creature win
Had no clue what she was within
She was so strong, the thing was wrong
To ever start pursuit
With each new thought, the fear she fought
Became much more minute.
Her courage grew then, to defeat
The pursuer started to retreat
She'd won against the unknown threat
The darker fate she would have met
She went away, survived that day
The thing did not defeat her
Was confident as on she went
The creature could not beat her.
Author notes
Okay. I don't know why I can't write anything happy or Christmasy, or normal... but I am taking what I can get from my muse nowadays. You could call it a treaty, me not forcing out horrid chunks of words and my muse giving me the occasional acceptable write.
Thanks for reading, and commenting *nudge nudge*
A contest entry
- RHYME AND RHYTHM-PW allowed by Heva Feva.
550 points, ended July 3, 107 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rhyme My Deadened Heart Awake by piccola.
900 points, ended July 17, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - In search of more favorites. by Antebellum.
600 points, ended July 19, 69 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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pretty good rhyme. I know all about forcing out chunks of words and having to make a truce with ones muse. I don't have a muse any more and need to find one ... it's hard to let go and admit it. sigh, Thank you for entering.
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"She nearly stopped her quick retreat
But refused to accept defeat
She wouldn't let this creature win
Had no clue what she was within
She was so strong, the thing was wrong
To ever start pursuit
With each new thought, the fear she fought
Became much more minute."
These are my favourite lines! Thanks for entering my contest and good luck.
-heva ♫
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I love this one
If I tried to picture your muse, I think it would be something evil looking - kind of like the grim reaper meets Dr. Frankenstein. Your muse is very good to you though even if the subject is usually dark. I say this because your works have a profound effect on the reader. So, maybe your muse is more like the grim reaper meets your fairy godmother. Great job...
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good
now correct me if im wrong but the "thing" chasing her was her conchince(sp) over all i liked it i could stop till i read it all (and thats saying a lot a song i hate came on and i could make myself change it till i was done) i will be reading on in your other poems i hope i find more gems like this congrats on the write. -
Still liking this heart pounding write! X
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You're showing some real promise as a rhymer I can see. There are a few lines that could be tightened up just a bit, and as another reviewer points out the images fade out a bit towards the end... but the story is good and the rhyme scheme works nicely. There really isn't enough good rhyming poetry on this site, so thank you for writing this.
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Amazing. It reminds me of Little Red Riding Hood kills the Wolf. I love the beginning, and the end is pretty good too. Great job.
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i read this before and cannot understand why i never left a comment!! i really liked it the first time i read it and even more this time round, it has such a spooky feel to it too almost film like, the rhythm and rhyme does it justice too, very well done and appolagies for not commenting first time around.
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hey this is really really good, the rhyming was near perfect, and actually read alloud, even the bits that at first seemed a little off on sylables evened out.This is a really gripping poem, with natural imagry enhanced by the fine spooky ambience you give.I am impressed very much, you have real talent
bravo * worthy*
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It's a decent poem (sorry, I don't compliment easily). There are places where the rhythm is a little off, and towards the end it grows very vague and hard to picture--there isn't much imagery to help the reader imagine what's going on. Overall, nice job though.
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my, my.
if you're anything like me, the rythym to this wouldn't leave you alone until you wrote it. ^.^
but i'd suggest going back, reading it aloud perhaps, and fixing the little discrepancies in some lines where the syllables came out awkward.
i really love your imagery, though. -
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I read through and tried to fix some points where the rhythm was messed up. Thank you, that was a really good suggestion, and reading it aloud helped.
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Was looking at the shameless list (after adding my latest, weak attempt at free verse) and was glad to see a familiar face (well screen name.)
Love the rhyming here and the way the interesting rhyme scheme which I felt worked well. You are definitely developing a strong feel for rhyme, this has some great rhymes!!
The rhythm of the second line of the second stanza did feel a tad off to me (didn't love the line altogether to be totally honest.) Playing with it though, I haven't thought of a decent alternative to offer.
There were a couple of other lines later in the poem that also felt a little off on the rhythm, but overall it was a very strong piece in my opinion, one that had me until the end, and one with an idea that I think many can relate to, without being trite.
Nice write. Happy holidays. Don't worry about it not being "happy" or "normal." Working through feelings, letting them flow, and doing what is right lead to the happiness and internal peace.
Happy holidays.
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Good poem, the rhyming was excellent. I like that the creature, or whatever it is remains nothing but fear itself perhaps? Anyway, I liked this so keep it up!
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woweee I love this sent a chill down my spine and I can relate to this in so many ways...one thing I would like to know is why have you not written in so long to be able to write this wonderful piece? I am honest I don't compliment unless I feel I want to, I also critise correctly.. the only thing I can suggest for this is ...nothing coz I loved it!!
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