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the Scale who made me cry

It was you
Who
Mocked
Me
Everyday and yes
Several times a day
I took off my clothes
Stepped, light-footed
Onto you
As if my feet would
Be cut into bloody shreads
If I treaded to heavily
Your face. A dial.
Numbered and fierce
Should I pee first?
Would that lighten
My load?
The needle laughs...COW!!
Tears drip onto your face
So I did it
Or didnt do it
However you want to see it
Not a morsel shall pass
My teeth or tongue
Light as air I shall
Become
Why?
Because the smaller I am
The bigger I will become
In your eyes.

Author notes

Poem about my eating disorder. I am thankfully in remission but will forever have an ED. It creeps and rears its ugly head everyday.

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • metanoia
    February 23

    Edit | Reply
    I feel you accurately represented the relationship between a scale and a concept. I like how you didn't emphasize the desire to be thin per se, but you highlighted the essential comparison between a body and numbers (Which I feel is what structurally makes up an eating disorder).

    Quite frankly, I feel that in my 'condition' it was entrely about worth determined by numbers and I loved how much I could relate to this.

    The separation of the lines made this quick to read and gave the poem itself a really nice flow. You definitely portrayed the prompt as I'm sure they intended it to. I will definitely be checking out your other stuff.


  • StarEyes
    January 30

    Edit | Reply
    What a great read this one is! I have to agree with storiesuntold... We all have some sort of eating disorder, myself, I may eat once a day, but still gain weight and I am constantly doing something, so yu see, it doesn't matter what the scales say, we all react differently. I am in noooooo way putting your disorder down, just trying to show you, we all are the same way

    Great job on this one!

    Congrats on the Bronze!


  • storiesuntold gold member
    January 28

    Edit | Reply

    This is a very good write

    We all have some form of eating disorders .Some eat because of derpession some dont eat at all because of depression whatever the scale speeks to us all . I was always thin and tried to eat to gain and it wasnt untill I got down in my back did it start adding up .Now it seems I cant stop it and partly because of my age but Im still happy . Sure I would like to be what I was but it doesnt stop me from doiing what I want to do and I have come to the conclusion that why should I care what others thing as long as Im happy for thats all that counts and Im not hurting myself or others I shall enjoy life and be free

  • loafy
    January 17

    Edit | Reply
    Oh my goodness! This poem got me laughing from the very begining to the very end! The title is sheer brilliance! I loved how you got me sitting on the edge of my seet, wondering if it's good from start to finish.


  • morgana raven Greeters member
    December 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I am noticing a pattern in your work now, you are very good at capturing the feeling but some of the lines are quite short and this interrupts the flow a little. perhaps take a look at this, this is my favourite part you have written in this piece 'So I did it
    Or didnt do it
    However you want to see it
    Not a morsel shall pass
    My teeth or tongue
    Light as air I shall
    Become
    Why?
    Because the smaller I am
    The bigger I will become
    In your eyes.'

    but you could try writing it like this instead ,
    So I did it, Or didnt do it,
    However you want to see it.
    Not a morsel shall pass
    My teeth or tongue,
    Light as air I shall become,
    Why?
    Because the smaller I am,
    The bigger I will become
    In your eyes.

    This is just a suggestion, i really like the emotion you capture in your poems, just use a little punctuation and the feeling can be read easier. You have a great amount of potential as a poet and i am enjoying reading your work.
    Laura.


    • couldbeworse
      December 23, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      thanks so much for your suggestions. I was never really good with puncuation or form. I just write it as I feel or see it. Great suggestions though. I like your work as well. Thanks for taking the time to help


  • charmander13
    December 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "Because the smaller I am
    The bigger I will become
    In your eyes."

    I think this sums up everything about the ugly truth behind eating disorders- the self-doubts, the fears, the... cruel irony of it all.

    I wrote a poem about ED recently- perhaps you could check it out- http://allpoetry.com/poem/4849403

    This poem is very descriptive and well thought out.

    Hmm, if you plan on revising, perhaps you might want to de-capitialize the first word of every line if they're not the beginning of a new sentence? (Haha that was what someone told me when I first started posting my poetry ) You could add in fullstops too.

    Anyway, thanks for your entry and I'm so glad you're okay now.

    All the best to you

    • couldbeworse
      December 23, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      thanks so much for your comment and advise. May I ask what a fullstop is? I have never been very tech with my poem and know nothing of form. I kinda write as I see and feel it I guess.

1 - 11 of 11