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[The exit]

Looking at me with your swollen red eyes,
you lightly touch my hands and cry.
"Sorry", you softly whisper into my ears,
"for again, the hurt and tears".

But i'm sad not merely cause you've hurt me again,
it's cause you've become so good at apologizing.
Sighs, silence, combined with tears and fatigue,
how can love be left with only these?

The passage of time has made people a little dumber, i suppose.
Evidently there was happiness, but we forgot to remember those.
If only i could pull myself out of my infatuation,
caused by the scent of your adoration.

Perhaps then,
we would be free of expectations.
An expectation of you,
coming back for a future to pursue.

I hear you say you love me,
but my heart doesn't seem to agree.
For seconds, only could the smile stay,
before it starts to fade away.

At this point,
i just want to seek out an exit.
Escaping from this chaotic lubricrity,
to discuss whether to love or not some other day.

I think you really love me, but i'm suffering as well,
else i won't feel kissing as living hell.
Is there an exit from your presence?
But even if i left, where can i go?

Listening to you say i love you,
i wasn't moved.
After this hug,
would there be more coming?

Who can tell me where this exit lies?
To help me escape from my sinking vortex.

Author notes

Option 3.
Eternal Pain

Caterpillar

A contest entry

What do you think?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 32 of 32

  • Night Terrors
    May 10

    Edit | Reply
    I thought you really did great on this it was a fasinating poem to read I re read it infact and I hardly ever do that.

    The Positives:
    Loved the ryhme it just fitted togther perfectly


    Room For Improvement:

    I is a proper noun it needs to be capitalized no matter what. Think of it as a substitution for your name.



    My Favorite Part:
    I think you really love me, but i'm suffering as well,
    else i won't feel kissing as living hell.
    Is there an exit from your presence?
    But even if i left, where can i go?


    That was so interestin I love this
    Overall:

    I give this an 9/10 you did great. I hope to see you in my future contests thanks so much for entering.

    ~*~Apathetic Poison~*~


    • Ti Amo Te Quiero
      May 11
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks again! And grats on your gold membership! Hahas, guess you really deserved it, after commenting on SOOOOOOOO many poems Cheeros!


  • HereComesTheSun
    February 2

    Edit | Reply
    Positive: i can be a bit rough on rhyming becuase i really dont like the cheese please stuff you did wonderful at it becuase you didnt you 'overused words your word choice BRAVO
    eg: If only i could pull myself out of my infatuation,
    caused by the scent of your adoration.
    great work.

    Negative: to escape for being not whinny but when venting/writing about a breakup/heartbreak or that field the use of similes and metaphors help. not saying it was whinny just kinda a reminder

    thanks for entering


  • August Starlight silver member
    February 1
    Edit | Reply
    This is quite good; thanks for entering.


  • IxI
    January 31

    Edit | Reply

    hella sweet

    i love the ryhme scheme you used here. great structure and it flows nicely off the tongue. this was one i had to read twice to fully appreciate.
    thank you for your effort
    IXI


  • StillLovingYou
    January 17
    Edit | Reply
    great write but i need your ap name and the option you chooose in your an thankyou!


  • Dovina
    January 3

    Edit | Reply
    Intriguing... will they ever make their escape? It's so hard to leave something when you're so used to having it be there...

    thanks for your entry


  • Kathraina silver member
    December 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I really liked this piece. Sad story. But true to many. Bravo!

    ♥ Kathraina


  • Room without doors gold member
    December 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Outstanding

    I thought you expressed your thoughts and feelings very well. I got the sense that he had hurt you and that you are holding back to avoid being hurt again. I think this is a poem that will strike a chord with many people. I liked the honesty with which you confronted the situation - and you are right it shouldn't be this way - we expect so much from love and there should never be the need to apologise. Over all I thought this was sophisticated and a strong statement. Thank you for posting.


  • lindaburns gold member
    December 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Even though you asked for an honest review,
    it is hard for me to comment on this because if conveys seemingly deep feelings but is rather haphazardly written. I can see someone who feels insignificant, using “i”.
    I have no argument with that. But leaving out apostrophes and allowing misspelling, that is hard to understand. I don’t think any of us “feel” with misspelled emotions. I know emotions can be relayed in a grammatically correct way.
    apologising = apologizing. I admit I am not familiar with “lubicrity” but my spell check program wants to spell it “lubricity”.
    You write really well. Especially considering your age. It would be such a good habit to begin now watching your spelling, typos and grammar. Even if you are sure you will only be writing for yourself, you can’t ever tell. Someone might insist you publish a book one day and you want to represent yourself with honor.

    • Ti Amo Te Quiero
      December 28, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I was taught the british spelling and so, yeaa, but i guess i'll just use the american. Anyways, thanks for the advice Much appreciated. Cheers!!


  • Gigglez09
    December 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Weel written. This is really good. keep writting.
    ~cassandra


  • Rhythm Child
    December 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    the opening lines were the most effective for me
    very well worded


  • YOtta
    December 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You’re a very talented young lady and very mature for your age; you used some sophisticated words and highlighted real life statements in a very well structured manner. You took us from one thought to the next gradually building up your dilemma until you felt stuck in the same love cycle, and just wanting to escape….

    You’re poem flows very well, I liked how you stopped here and there and asked questions, it drew me into your thoughts and made me stop and think for a bit.

    You express your feelings very well, they’re heartfelt and original.

    Good job!!! =)


  • letters to no one
    December 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    "im" ---> "i'm"

    "its" ---> "it's"


  • CookieZeal Greeters member
    December 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi there.
    It has some really tender descriptives. It brings back, by content, what has happened to many of us in our lifetimes.
    I see that this is extremely personal. I am reluctant to critique because of that, but since you are in this group , please let me make several suggestions:

    ~There is a new category for writes of this Journal type. If you'll click the "Add" header link for posting and glance to the RIGHT, you'll see under "RELATED LINKS"
    column, list, add-line, contest, [journal], or from draft? This way, these kinds of reflective personal posts can get a different 'look' by the reader.

    ~ Try economizing and tightening on another day to see if you can't give this more of a 'lyrical' form since that is what inspired it.

    And thankl you for trusting our responses on it.
    Warmly, CookieZeal

    • Ti Amo Te Quiero
      December 26, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for your comment, oh, and hey, don't worry, its nothing personal, it was just inspired by a song i heard. Cheers!!


  • catalyst.
    December 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "The passage of time has made people a little dumber, i suppose.
    Evidently there was happiness, but we forgot to remember those"

    your rhyming was amazing here and so was ther flow. I love how the end broke the rhyme it made it stand out more.

    "But im sad not merely cause you've hurt me again,
    its cause you've become so good at apologising"

    o I love how you described this. When your more mad at yourself for believing the apoligy than for the person accually hurting you.

    Great write


  • Ti Amo Te Quiero
    December 23, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks


  • SimplyNoodle
    December 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    i like this write, nice job

1 - 32 of 32