We are all in a state of r e p l e t i o n;
Stacked full of {nicely coated} lies.
And I sit on my bed; t#o#r#m#e#n#t#i#n#g#l#y confused.
Your body shifts away in minute motions; but I can feel the detachment.
I am submerged with doubt.
Did I gain too many c [ ] a [] l [] o [] r [] i [] e [] s?
Did my hesitance way o
v
e
r your patience?
Are my d/i/s/h/e/v/e/l/l/e/d/clothes not enough to obtain your interest?
Are these sequins and glitter eyes not e)-(n)-(o)-(u)-(g)-(h to withhold further interest?
You are the saboteur of this a.p.a.t.h.y.
I kiss you; hoping to ignite a f|l|i|c|k|e|r of passion;
But there is not merely a ~spark~.
I b l i n k tears;
Blood is frothing from my throat.
You smile sweetly,
I :s-p-l-u-t-t-e-r:.
.:Clutching:. at the air;
I search for the implement that struck me so defiantly in the chest.
[I find] A long thin arrow protrudes from my neck.
My vision F
A
L
T
E
R
S;
I’m losing blood.
Soon the silence is consumed with your wine red chuckle.
My tearing eyes \search/ for you;
But you are only a f[r[a[g[m[e[n[t[e[d[ blur in the M.
E.
L.
T.
E.
D. colours of this scene.
And I can barely comprehend that bow;
Oh cupid, how I despise you…
[and then]
I die.
How can I purge you of this innocence?
Its |{stuck}| to you.
And I smile ..:,,discreetly,,:.. in my pain;
You’re the one that will perish ((a virgin.))
Author notes
if this needs any explanation;;
its all in the title.
sorry if this is dodgy; im only just getting into dirty pretty, still trying to figure out the convetions.
A contest entry
- Sequins and Glitter (prewrites welcome) by Danna Hobart.
400 points, ended January 15, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns! by Beautiful-Mistake.
700 points, ended January 16, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
. . . There's not much left to say . . . Only impending critisim
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Formatting is extremely important in poetry. and to be honest, your poem is so odd, and difficult to read, that I would never have read this if it wasn't in my contest. Take away all of the oddities in the formatting, make it into a REGULARLY formatted poem, and then maybe people will read it.
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I stopped reading after a few lines. I really want to know what it all says but that format is too annoying for me to read. First few lines were good though.
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Okay, I re-read the poem, the imagery is neat. "Soon the silence is consumed with your wine red chuckle." is a powerful sound. "a fragmented blur in the melted colors of this scene" reminds me of a box of crayons I had once, I left them in the car one day and they all melted together. I like the idea of innocence being "stuck" to someone so that you cannot take it away from them. Nice write once you work your way around the "conventions."
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hmm that seems to be the general consensus
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You have some good lines and images in here, but I hate the format. All of the periods and back slashes and brackets take away from the poem itself. I also hate the way you ended it. Just a little too far over the top for me.
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lol;; thanks for the honesty=]. yeah i agree with it all; i actually hate this poem. i was just really pissed off when i wrote this so i kinda vented ALOT.
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We all need to vent once in a while
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omg kaitlan this is so funking trippy i lurv it its great cause i was laughing the whole time coz of the last line DIE A VIRGIN haha yeh he probli will but you wont -.- you beta not lol lurv you
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it was....interesting, im envious of u ive always wanted to write something like this.....>_<
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i like it.... a little twisted. but still really good.
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