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Cherubs' Gem

You touched me with your rays,
auras pulse in harmony.
With love and adoration.
with friendship and you get me through my darkest days..

Oh so beautiful and precious,
I fear if I touched you,
you would shatter,
But I would,
Always
Catch,
you.

If I could steal you from a picture,
and bring you to my home,
I would hold you dear,
and tell you,
that your,
presence,
was so uplifting and amazing.

Do not ever feel alone, to me you are,
my precious gem, my solace, my fallen angel,
stay strong for me, and remember,
I love you like a sister,
and I cannot,
Breathe,
without you.

Author notes

For lor-lor feel better soon huni,

its not much, but i mean every word! 

comment and I'll RTF.

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 20 of 20

  • Dark Otter
    March 28

    Edit | Reply

    I wish to see you writing again

    I miss what you do. I recognize that it is from the heart and shows your deep ability to care for others.


  • Sean Ottoson
    February 15
    Edit | Reply

    Awh

    you didn't revise it at all.

  • Sean Ottoson
    February 14

    Edit | Reply
    THE COMMAS!! WTF, mate? You never use a comma and 'and' the comma is sort of a substitute for 'and'. You misunderstand the forming of prose. the point, as I see it, is not to use any punctuation, but to have the read insert their own and thus derive more meaning from it than they would have in the first place. it's also harder to write in prose in the centered format.

    maybe try :

    "Stay strong for
    me and remember
    I love you like a sister
    and I cannot
    breathe
    without you"

    I think that reads a bit better. but it's your poem so you should really decide for yourself of course.

    SeanO

    and Sadie:

    If you want to write good poetry that stands out and doesn't sound like so much teenage angst-ridden internet pollution, you have a couple things you could work on in this poem specifically, it would probably make it seem more heartfelt too, since it apparently means something to you.
    First off, try to put some effort into your metaphors, or use metaphors in the first place, it helps people connect with the poem, and makes it seem like you put effort into it. Creative, original metaphors are key to standing out.

    Also, poetry is art with words. Try expanding your vocabulary a little bit. The English language has millions (more even) of words in it, try opening a thesaurus.

    Your nonchalant, willy-nilly attitude towards commas distracts the reader from the piece, it takes attention away from the words and makes the poem sound like you put no effort into it. A poet is a wordsmith above all else. We create things with language, so it stands to reason one should have at least a high school level grasp of language (unless you're still in middle school, in which case I apologize.)

    So yeah, try being original. Use descriptions of senses, comparisons, build images. Or no one will notice you.

    Oh, and the centered text on your poem (and the commas again) disrupt the flow of the poem, which is a vital component to any composition. Without flow it just seems like a five second thrown together homework assignment.


    • Rane
      February 15
      Edit | Reply
      Considering you've been a member of the site for so long i'd have expected you to know that having a friendly, courteous attitude to other members is a site rule.

      A critical review of the poem is perfectly welcome but throwing insults around is disgusting. Please apologise and/or remove this unnecessary filth: "anyway me and my friend here just clicked on your site because we thought your name was outrageously stupid."


    • Lost Vampyre Angel
      February 14
      Edit | Reply
      ihave suffered writers block for awhile now.. and I thank you for the in depth comment, this poem even I would say is terrible.. It was wrote last minute with little effort to try and cheer a friend up, I appreciate your honesty and will take your suggestions to mind,
      Though I think personally attacking my name is rather rude, no offence.


  • Lady Altheia gold member
    January 15

    Edit | Reply
    I love reading dedications. I can tell this person is so special to you. Thank ou for sharing your poetry with me.


  • Miss Faerie Greeters member
    December 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is beautiful. It was like a song, singing in my mind to a sweet melody of truthful honesty.

    I love the changes in font and size, it is pleasing to the eye. The second stanza is the most perfect, in my opinion

    Shari


  • Kinky Cuffs
    December 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    So beautiful....I'm in awe of this poem I loved it!!!!!!


  • LadyDementia gold member
    December 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Aww what a beautiful thing to do, would certainly bring a smile. Superbly penned hunni


  • Ktulu Blackwolfe silver member
    December 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very prescious words for a very true and dear friend. I know this will mean alot to her. Thank you for sharing the words of your heart with us.

    **Ktulu Blackwolfe**

  • Wolf-Guardian
    December 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    wow

    that was pretty good. favorite line was :If I could steal you from a picture,
    and bring you to my home,
    I would hold you dear,
    and tell you,
    that your,
    presence,
    was so uplifting and amazing:
    personally, i don't think you'd have to change much bout it

    love lots, your Wolf


  • XxYoru-OkamixX
    December 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    awwww, i really like this
    "If I could steal you from a picture,
    and bring you to my home,"
    that's really sweet sounding. you did a very good job portraying your emotions here ^^ it's awesome.


  • Catz95
    December 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Thats so sweet.=] Your friend is so lucky to have you in her life. Great job writing.<3

  • Rane
    December 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hey you, would normally tell you off for being up so late. But i can't morally do that since you spent the time writing such a sweet dedication.

    And i see she liked it so i hope the pair of you are feeling chirpy/


  • poeticweaver gold member
    December 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Precious,

    I always feel when I read a dedication piece of poetry from a loving soul that there's such a ray of hope in the world, and I like being able to read you here, for your loving ways shine through, and I can so appreciate that. A loving, well penned dedication my wonderful sister friend, and keep up the wonderful works here, for you are quite a gem yourself!


    Love bro Timothy


  • ZachP
    December 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is absolutely beautiful, sweetheart. You've grown so much as a writer in the last several months -- I'm proud of you.

    <333


  • SmokinHotWhiteTiger
    December 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful. what more can one say other than simply beautiful I always did find your heart felt touch of such writes for friends and loved ones to be uniquely beautiful and theart felt and touching. just a remarkable write from you as always my friend and well this may not be your best write you say but it is certainly showing just how big and soft of a heart you have which is an admrality quality we all richly need. keep penning away such beautiful writes to whomever has touched you most.


  • Immortal Obscurity Greeters member
    December 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply


    Oh sweetie, this is beautiful! Thank you so, so much for sharing your talent here! You are the bestest friend I could ever ask for! Love and huggles much

    Love Lor-Lor x

    • Lost Vampyre Angel
      December 22, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      aww its nto my best but it comes from the heart darlin!
      your my bestest friend too! hope it made you feel alittle better

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