we huddle like birds on a line
it's winter
feathers are drawn close,
we shiver in wait
wing to wing
folded brave against this cold
silently puffed and perched
life speeds on
iced ground below
breaks in whispers
and cradles
a promise of spring.
------------------------------------------revision--------------------------------------------
We huddle like birds on a line
feathers drawn close
a shiver interrupts the wait
it is winter
when wing to wing
we fold brave against this cold
puffed and perched
speeding life above
ground iced below breaks
in whispers to cradle
a promise of spring.
------------------------------------3rd try is a charm?------------------------------------------
We huddle like birds on a line
feathers drawn close
a shiver interrupts the wait
it is winter
when wing to wing
we fold brave against this cold
silently puffed and perched
observing life's float
as iced ground below
breaks in whispers
to cradle a promise
of spring.
Author notes
Have done a revision but will probably come back. Thank you so much for your thoughts Mr. Lion 
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Transforming
Interesting to have the revision posted as they are here. The piece takes on a new life, comparing the last to the first, and the promise of spring seems a grander thing in the delivery of your final version. Even the chilly winter scene is adorable, and I see puffy coats, like feathers on snow birds. Well illustrated.
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love all three!
each has a unique voice yet they sing a wonderul chorus to me. Missed out on a lot of good stuff. Hope to catch up. Hope you've been good, the spring in the poems says so at least!
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I'm drawn to the first, but each holds it's own. You are a wonderful poet, so Iknow...whichever makes the cut will be just fine
~Tia
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I like the mix of 1 and two. I think 1 had a better flow, but this
we huddle like birds on a line [I like this opening]
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it's winter
feathers are drawn close,
we shiver in wait
[this stanza just sounded better to me. the flow seemed natural and conversational. A rhythm is there]
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wing to wing
folded brave against this cold [this, to me, flows well and you express yourself saying very little. In the revision, just seems like to much and didn’t flow to me.]
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silently puffed and perched
life speeds on [I didn’t like this one, as much as the revision in the 2nd try]
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iced ground below
breaks in whispers
and cradles
a promise of spring. [just not seeing why you are so determined to leave the word “ice” in there. No matter where you place it, to me, it really doesn’t seem to fit.
Well that’s my two cents on things.
I would say use parts of the 2nd and 1st. if I had to choose, I like the 1st better. Seems more conversational with a great flow. The 3rd, hmm, well, didn’t like it. Seems like you did to much to spice it up when it wasn’t needed…like adding to much color to the tv and the faces look bright yellow or something.
but besides that, i think this is just as awesome as your other stuff, i love it. much love and respect.
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i think i like version two the best.
i don't have anything intelligent to say. so i'll just clap... :-)
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(comment 2)
I like the revision. I don't think I can add anything further. How do you feel? Is there any line or rhythm that's bothering you or are you satisfied at this point? Everyone seems to like them so keep them all and choose one or a combo... it'll be interesting to see all the permutations and the save or final result... -
"..breaks in whispers.." is a perfect expample of why I find you an amazing poet!
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FINE POEM BUT I SEE IN YOUR COMMENTS THAT YOU'RE PLANNING TO REVISE, SO SOME SPECULATIONS --
Matching your sparse style here, I think you could leave out "are" in the second stanza:
it's winter
feathers DRAWN CLOSE,
we shiver in wait
OR maybe not, 'cause now I'm wondering about more, and less because I think the first stanza establishes the "We":
It is winter
feathers drawn close
shivering in wait
NO WAIT, UM, I ACTUALLY MANAGED TO LOSE THE REFERENCE, SO A CHANGE OF ORDER MIGHT DO IT:
feathers drawn close
shivering in wait
it's winter
HMM. JUST WRITING OUT LOUD. UM, LET'S SEE THE CONTEXT:
We huddle like birds on a line
feathers drawn close
shivering in wait,
it is winter for
BIRDS, wing to wing
folded brave against this cold
puffed and perched
SPEEDING life above
ground ICED below BREAKS
in whispers and cradles
a promise of spring.
------
Sorry for the jumble -- I'm thinking out loud. Well, some thoughts.
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if only spring wasn't so far off...
I love the image of the birds. So glad to see something new from you
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definitely wintery. It's -36 here today, so I know exactly how you feel, except for the promise of spring, today is the official start of winter. lol.
Beautiful work.
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So that's where you've been!
I've been through your town twice in the last month and never thought to look up!
Wonderful wintry poem
D
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