Golf My Way [prose]

When you’re on the tee box, swing hard! The wind might make the ball move…
When in a bunker, swing hard again, removing as much sand as possible [the next visitor will appreciate it]. Then pick up your ball and toss it on the green while exclaiming, “Wow, did you see that”?
Scuba suits are acceptable golf attire, wear them.
Don’t play at any course that doesn’t allow scuba suits, it is likely too hard for you anyway.
Trees are for parks, not golf courses. Always carry a chain saw in your bag.
Those cute little fuzzy, adorable things called squirrels are your enemy, kill them. If they’re not stealing your golf ball, they are eating your sandwich.
If your golf ball lands in a bird nest, you have the right of way, but try telling that to the Blue Jay pecking your face.
It is ok to carry a TV onto the course, just make sure the volume is turned all the way up while watching WWF, so the less fortunate may enjoy it as well.
If you see an alligator on the course, slap it on the back, it may burp up a golf ball or two.
Rescind rule #9 if the gator is taller than you, can run like a cheetah, and has a head big enough to swallow your car.
Yes, you can combine golfing with hunting, they’re both outdoor sports, right?
Golf is a game that was invented by a woman for a man to play; and the wimmin have had the upper hand ever since.
Yes, I know about Nancy Culbis and Michelle Wie; see “upper hand” from rule # 12.
Wimmin disapprove of most things a guy does on a golf course, but then, they also disapprove of the way we eat, don’t they?
Before teeing off, always have a good breakfast. May I suggest kielbasa on a bun with mustard and sauerkraut, washed down by a cold draft beer.
If you miss a putt on the first hole, take a drink of whiskey. Same thing for the second hole, etc. Repeat until either the ball falls in the hole, or you fall in the lake, whichever comes first.
Always tip the beer cart girl, that way she’ll have money to spend while she ignores you for the rest of the round.
Keep a coffee can in your golf bag to pee in while you’re waiting in line for the only bathroom on the course.
Never gamble on golf, lose your money in the office pool like everyone else.
Playing golf would be just like throwing darts if we could get little feathers on them golf balls.
There is no truth to the rumor that the closer you get to the hole, the smaller it becomes, eventually disappearing when you are three feet away.
A rake is just that, a rake. Use it to remove your ball from bunkers, water hazards, sparrow nests, etc.
It is NOT good form to yell “fore” when teeing off, you already know your ball is not going that way.
Why do we have marshals on a golf course, aren’t they supposed to be in Dodge City or some place like that?
Whenever you see a marshal, irritate him. Alligators love hot, pink, marshal for lunch.
I once met a marshal I thought I liked, but then it was time for me to tee off.
Daily fee golf used to be cheap and carefree; now it is expensive and you have to carry weapons.
People who build houses with big windows along golf courses, soon learn what the term “jet-age plastic” means.
The house on the course was cheap, but the two-story fence cost a hundred grand.
The best wood in your bag is also the cheapest, it is called the “pencil”.
You know you’ve played a good round when your pencil is still long, but the eraser has vanished.
The 19th hole is an intellectual gathering place; ya’ll hear dat now, don’cha?
He who yells the loudest gets their beer first at the 19th hole.
When in the 19th hole, don’t disturb the waitress, just climb up on the bar.
Your very, very bestest friend is always the guy who bought the last round.
Check your sanity at the door when you enter the 19th hole…wait, you already did that when you entered the golf course!