i.
flattered:
your bouquet is like steamsmoke
from the subway grates,
blowing up my dress
and dripping
like icicles.
I can see you steal my breath
ii.
fingers snatch my jacket;
precious wool
kisses
grimy hotel floor.
iii.
let's get out of here
the bar on the corner woos me
as winter breathes her harsh smell.
something warm touches my lips,
but I insist
I hate coffee.
iv.
the back of a taxi:
something sleeps like
lost spare change
to pay the fee.
~~~
Author notes
I'm not sure if I like this much, but I haven't written anything in about a week, so I thought I'd try something. gah.
In a list
A contest entry
- ends tonight. by Melissa Gayle.
600 points, ended December 21, 2008, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Enter all your poems. by xxRainbowDawnxx.
700 points, ended February 20, 278 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
wake me up.
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
-
There's something about the title that just makes me feel that emptiness that you get when you're surrounded by people, but still all alone. This is very raw and expressive. Love your choice of words and metaphors. You always write such... Creative and emotional pieces, that you can interpret for yourself. I love it.
-
intriguing. well-worded. succinct.
love the story woven here.
would say more, but you've taken my breath away & it's hard enough already.
congrats on the honourable mention
though you should've gotten more than that.
-
One is my favorite - but I love the vignettes -
you should enter my other contest (just for vignettes).
-
-
I noticed that contest, but I'm not exactly sure what a vignette is. Did I write one unknowingly?
-
-
i really enjoyed this, esp. your imagery
-
goddamn...
I think it's time to add yet another favorite.
I don't even have that many favorites, but I already feel overwhelmed with the little I do have.
"the bar on the corner woos me"
Love the personification.
"something warm touches my lips,
but I insist
I hate coffee."
!!!
That sounds like love.
Or denial.
Or, both combined.
That is an amazing ass use of 'coffee' in a poem.
"iv.
the back of a taxi:
something sleeps like
lost spare change
to pay the fee."
Incredibly clever; I love your use of colons.
Loveeeeeeee it.
Jessica
-
-
*splutters* well thank you.
-
-
I can't seem to add you as a favorite;
do you have a link like that on your page?? -
-
oh yeah, since I'm a gold member, I like to hide the unsightly right side bar. You can click 'show allpoetry' at the top right-hand side of the screen and it'll come back.
I honestly need to re-do my page.
-
-
Oh goody. =]
-
-
-
-
-
It's a good write.
You truly are a good writer, hun.
keep writing.
If you have time try to read "Him and Her" I have a sneak peak of part 10 if you'd like to read it.
This is a brilliant write.
~AnNiE sHaDoWs
♥♫♥
-
-
Thank you!
-
-
I'd take the 'the' out of the second line in the last stanza but apart from that I really enjoyed the visuals in this. Good luck
C
-
-
Totally agree. The 'the' makes it clunky.
Thank you!
-
-
its brilliant, lovely really.
-
-
Really? Thank you.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 16 of 16
