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The Doll (last poem)

The poor mistreated doll lay tattered on the floor
The young girl had grown up and had left the house
They used to have a great time together
Running up the hills
Playing by the creek
The whole world seemed brighter
But the clock ticked away
And time was lost
Now it lays dusty on the floor

They used to operate beautifully together

But all that has gone

Blown away like snow in the wind

 

Author notes

omg my username is CitrusSplash! see i readed the rules.


I guess it is easier to write when i have a prompt or words so yea that was uh ok i guess? ok? yes? no? tell meh what u fink!

A contest entry

Dose that work?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Nakatrea
    December 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    aww this is so sad! But the imagery is great. It is a little short but short and sweet is ok. Great use off all the prompts. I'm overall very impressed. One suggestion - delete the word had the second time you us it since it is implied and unnecessary

    The young girl had grown up and [had] left the house

    I also found that the first two lines were more prose than poetry. Try taking out words and rearranging the sentences to further enhance you work of art.

    I'm always glad to dig around my brain for prompts to give you. Don't hesitate to ask.Even if its not for a contest.



    Loved it

    *~Kat~*


    • BeautifullyBroken42
      December 22, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      see dis is why i'm quitting cuse i can't write very well. and well i haven't had a poetry class in forever. ugh oh and i'm not gonna quit frever just fr a while. ever since i announced that i was leaving i kept getting messages asking me not to so it's only temporary. so thanks for the comment ur rit and i'm gonna fix that stuff later. see i still have no idea what prose is, can u tell me? yawn i'm tired. night night.


      • Nakatrea
        December 23, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        prose is like the opposite of poetry. so a story is prose - an article is prose
        If you've ever read a Shakespeare play he writes the higher-class peoples lines in iambic pentameter (poetry) and the others normally with paragraphs and normal capitalization. you have until everyone else is done their poem to fix the stuff so don't stress


  • Nakatrea
    December 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh goody - You are the final ENTRY! feel special. THANK YOU for reading my contest page. you have no idea how frustrating it can be...

    anyway....

    Hey i thought you said you were giving up on poetry? Well ... You shall write something amazing! I know it

    Your wonderful words of wisdom are:

    Clock
    Hill
    Floor
    Doll
    Brighter
    Operate

    HAVE FUN~!!

    the words don't have to be in order


    • BeautifullyBroken42
      December 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      yea

      i just thought i would try dis. if dats ok. lol ok i try........ hmmmm clock, doll, operate...... i'll figure somfing out!

1 - 5 of 5