From deep and secret silence,
bloomed from fragile moments,
the smallest piece of beauty,
looks just like shiny diamonds.
When yellow sunlight shines on through it,
our purple eyes are all filled out,
by waves of colors linked into it.
But, it's hidden so we need to shout.
Names in cages within blades,
carved into a tree by love,
hidden under treetops' shades',
a desperate need for winds.
The might of the winds will fill its lungs,
as a one last kiss to the rotten trees.
And in fear of death and its aftermath,
they'll scream: Fall with me, fall with me, fall.
- Is it abnormality to think too much group list • next in list
Please give criticism and ways to improve!
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Some beautiful images. If you drop the inconsistent rhyme, you will find ways to smooth the flow and we will read the poem more as your mind sees it. Then play with the rhyme and rhythmn to get the poen you want. You have a wonderful place to start. I would love to see the revisions. Buff
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A beautiful palette of emotion
Enters harshly but leaves a good taste, like fine wine (I would think, I'm more of a whiskey man).
Point being, I enjoyed your write.
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From Critical Reviewers Two...
I must say, there is something about including the colors of yellow and purple in a write to really bring it out. And there is an odd power within white and purple as well...I will not start rambling on why they are the way they are.
I think the best part of this poem happens to be the last. It has the most substance and emotion in it. -
I love the eerie sense that this poem reflects; an aura of intrigue and a metaphor for something personal to you, it definitely relates to a forgotten love or a soul searching for what was forsaken, mmm perhaps well, so many thoughts in my head but only you have the correct answer lol!
Loved the imagery, how you played around with it, it gave off a dark edgy atmosphere.
The flow is great just a bit of working on rhyming, it’s not constant. Should you wish to write “free verse” I believe you’ll do an amazing job with that and you won’t have to worry about rhyming.
Enjoyed this piece, and still wondering what the hidden message is….
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wow, this one really jumps off the computer screen for me, this is just great!
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Hey nice use of descriptive vocab, gives good imagery...although, the actual content of the poem i was slightly miffed as to the purpose...or message behind? I also don't get the feeling that you went in and out of phases where u tried to incorporate some rhythm and rhyme but i think that needs to be kept constant if ur gonna do it. I think your poetry should be kept free verse if you want my opinion, because it is more free-flowing, descriptive rather than actually trying to convey a message, tell a story or anthing of the sort.
I think you should read this poem aloud to yourself a few times and try to alter the rhythm abit till it suits your ear and probs get rid of the rhymes you tried initially to incorporate.
thanks for sharing x
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Nice poem, I like the descriptions. However, I feel that the rhyme schem should be consistent throughout the poem.
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Thanks for your reply! Yes I do too. I find rhyming so hard since it often gets in the way of what I want to write :/ Do you have any suggestions on how to work in rhyming?
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Ahh...I'm sorry, I'm not good in the area of rhyming either. I would just say, play around with words and try and find others that could work and fit your meaning, and see where you go from there. But do not rhyme just for the sake of rhyming either. I hope this helps...somewhat...
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The thing about not being the first to comment is that if there is an edit needed, good chance someone has already brought attention to it. Those two edits needed in the last stanza are all I see in that area.
There are some phrases I don’t really understand. Like “names in cages without blades” (unless blades means bars) and “The might of the winds will fill its lungs, as a one last kiss to the rotten trees”. I realize it’s just ME missing it but I really don’t catch the meaning.
I can see it’s good.
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It is "names in cages within blades". And I guess it is Love in its form before it is expressed. The blade is a knife's blade.
The wind's kiss is the last part of love, the tree is rotten and can no longer cope with it, so it falls.
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Well if you want honest criticism I would only change the spelling and grammer. For example I wonder in the 3rd line in the last stanza if it is suppose to be "Aftermath" and in the 2nd line too should be to. Putting that aside, I think that this is a splendid piece and enjoyed reading it and experiencing all the emotions that it envoked. Thank you for sharing!
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Thanks. Yes, it is suppose to be aftermath.. that's a typo
Hmm.. I've had some problems understanding too/to, thanks for pointing that out. Think I've got it now.
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Outstanding
There is some powerful imagery in this poem- especially in the first stanza and I liked the way you developed the theme. I thought this was a strong poem and I loved the ending which is slightly enigmatic but very poetic. Difficult to find areas for improvement and very much a pleasure to read.
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