I walk with you -- --- ---- In the land of hearts
In a place unknown - - - -- Where the sky's so blue
It can't be true --- - ---- --- See all my fears depart
Your heart is no more stone- Essence of sweet love grew
I can hold your hand -- --- I feel like having wings
Let this world expand- - - And I'll softly sing
Forever! I don't care --- -- My life's became a joy
Because I've you --- -- -- In this charming land
All is cute and fair-- -- -- There's none sigh
Nothing else to do-- -- -- So I sit on the soft sand
So I weave some dreams- Away from scars and pain
Bathing in love's streams- As I'm now on my lane
Author notes
see it was the best I could do and I hope you like it. I worked hard on this. Yeah I wanted to change the subject it's usual but still I found it fit good.
A contest entry
- Double Poetry by Latet Artifex.
850 points, ended January 14, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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A very interesting and unique presentation here. The subject matter is very hopeful and calming. Thank you for sharing.
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this such a wonderful write. i loved the effort you have given to this write. its not easy to write like this.
best of luck for the poem and i kinda agree with the host..
best of luck again.. this is your fine work whether you win or not doesn't matter. i really loved it
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Before I even read this poem, the only thing stupid is your disclaimer in the Author notes. I say that somewhat harshly in the hopes that you will never sell yourself short again. Art is an expression of the soul. There is no possible way that such an expression can be measured as there is no scale on which to measure it. Art is however, popularized depending on how well those who witness it are able to relate to it or how they react to it. And that shall always depend on those witnesses. Thus art is never stupid.
Now, I shall have a look at your poem.
I would like to take the time right now to vindicate myself for my harsh reproval earlier. It seems I have proven myself right. Your poem is a collage of several forms, one of which is the required double poem format. This alone draws my attention for I tend to write in rhyme and I know how complex this can make a poem. To summarize, your poem impresses me first and foremost for the structure.
You have chosen to write about puppy-dog love, or a type of idealized romance. This is probably one of the most written about subjects that I have ever observed, however I find that it occurs far less that a poet will be as honest with themselves as you have been. Whether you realized it or not, the better part of your poem was the very dream that you admitted to dreaming in the last lines. To this end, your use of the words "sweet", "softly sing", and "Because I've you" illustrated for me perfectly the type of dream you were describing. It is a young and innocent love, unaware of its own depth, yet inevitably drawn to an end through the ever-present fear of "scars and pain". Love is only written about so often because it is so worthy to be written about. And you have captured one aspect of it perfectly.
Generally my constructive criticism only deals with the grammar of a poem since I believe everything else ought to remain unique to the writer, i.e. the way you switched out of the dream scenery to the realism of a road in your last lane. Thus I found only two spots in your poem that I felt might use improving. The first was in your fourth line when you forgot to put a space between "no" and "more". Though I suspect this may also have had something to do with the lack of space allowed you by Allpoetry. The second place occurred at the line "There's none sigh". I am not exactly sure what you were going for here. In any case, it is not too big a deal as it won't affect how I judge this poem.
You did quite well, and you really ought to reconsider your Author notes, as I do not feel they accurately describe your poem. Thank you for entering! -
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Yep true and thanks a loads for such a wonderful coment I really worked on the poem and yes I know no more is seperate it's cuz of spacing as for sigh I thought it wouldn't look nice if I used the same words in two lines so I put none. And yeah I'll change author notes and you could see. Tell me is it alright?
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Yes, much better.
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