i watched as the
pre-dawn hours silently
ticked by outside
her bedroom window
we’d been good together
despite our busy, rapid-fire
schedules and chats
but life has that
way of tearing things
apart for us little pawns
she was gorgeous; her
hair a perfect match for
the strength now draining
from my arms
the passion i silently
coughed up from my
diaphragm below
oh, how i’d dreamt
of this moment
when we’d finally
meet face-to-face
as i collapsed next to
her prone, comforted form
the descending blade
my finishing touch
over her gargled
screams of joy
as i quickly embraced her
embraced the excitement
of laying forever as one
signalled by my second
glistening smile
and i hushed her fading
choking cries of glee
the look on her face
said it all
proved what i'd
known all along
that this
was right
and i knew
she loved me
Author notes
Inspired by a story I read online once; fairly recently, actually. If I find it again, I'll post it here in my author's notes, because it was actually pretty good.
Won bronze in this contest: http://allpoetry.com/contest/2430087
In a list
Comments
1 - 45 of 45
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What a twist! This is truly dark!!! Very nice!
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Twisted to the core! I love it! Thanks for entering my rounds contest and for showing your work here. It's a pleasure reading it!
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Okay. BNow i understand where this is coming from. A killer taking his joy from the heart of a beautiful girl. This reminds me of a story i am reading on allwrite at the moment. Very well written piece that tells a ghastly but very well thought tale of a killer relishing his deeds as he takes the life from the one he longs so much for. Excellent indeed.
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"but life has that" -- going with the next line, I feel that "that" would work better as "a".
"signalled by my second " -- "signalled" would be "signaled".
This poem reminds me of a poem I once wrote about this guy having sex with a dead body, and he pretty much spoke for her, saying that she loved it, and loved him, and she enjoyed having sex with him -- though of course, she was dead at the time.
Anyway...nice poem that you've written here.
-Nam -
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Thanks man, I can never remember if "signaled" has one or two "l's", and I never thought to check.
That sounds like a pretty wild poem, and yeah, they do seem kinda similar now that you mention.
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Fantastic
I liked this poem. -
the mind of a serial killer is sometimes beautiful in its cruel sadistic nature. Darkly sensual and reverent. Great job.
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Just shows you can never tell what people are really thinking. Love the double tale told here, neatly done! Thanks for entering and good luck
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WOW!
this is definately a twisted tale. I loved the way this seemed almost like 2 writes in one. Read one way it is a tale of 2 lovers, but then you get deeper into it and he has become not a lover but a stalker and rapist/murderer...well done.
**Ktulu Blackwolfe** -
hey
i amazed at the description u put on ur poetry i think it is outstanding.
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It was NOrmal one
I think there must be some more thought including in it
sorry if you minded my comment
by
\the poet of hearts and beautiful words
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Uhhh...what?
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Interesting
I enjoyed the double meaning in this poem, to the naked eye it could represent a true lovers arrangement, but the deep feelings of stalking rape and murder flow out like a self induce madness.
The part that made me chuckle a bit inside was:
"the look on her face
said it all
proved what i'd
known all along"
True sentiments of a mad man there.
I tip my hat to you good sir.
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Thank you, sir. It's good to see someone actually reading into this. I suspect many others took it only at face value and assumed it to be a simple love poem.
Incidentally, this was based on a lovely bit of creepypasta that, for the life of me, I can't seem to find anywhere. -
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Hmm... now you mention it it reminds me of one such story but its on some shock gif with like 3 others and that thing scares the shit out of me even if I know its coming.
I can check my pasta folder and see if I have a copy and send you one if that would help. Although I tend to stay away from the creepy ones. -
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Is that the one with the old guy's dead face or something flying out at the reader? 'Cause yeah, that was pretty freaky when I first saw it.
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yea that's the one.
I shit bricks every time I see it.
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I think I have it saved somewhere under my "Mindfucks" folder.
Here's another great one:
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wow
This is like a masterpiece to me you did so well and I fell in love with it. This drew my attention the whole way and I could not unglue my eyes from the computer I bet your not a failure when your not on here. I bet alot of people love being around you. You have talent and you should not think negitive and throw that away. If you need help or just need someone to talk don't be afraid to come to talk to me.
I am Lysa Marye Spiess
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i do find that some of th people who commented this were WRONG because i think this showed enough emotion to get the point across..
i think you did well.
just maybe instead of spacing the pieces apart, you should have just made one poem, all connected.
but i do think this was good...
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Great
This is a brillant poem!! You said on your profile that if youre not writing poetry youre a failure, if you are being serious, I doubt that seriously. I dont know you but I think that everyone has great potential and I know that if you put youre mind to it you can do anything!
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great job man
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Masterful...Profection at it's best! Great Write! xoxo Miranda
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Oooooh, very good, I cant write worth crap so I wont give you advise... 'cause it really wouldn't mean anything coming from me would it?
good job though
Shawn
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This is written quite well though perhaps a little more emotion might spice it up a bit. I enjoyed the story within, though, Your writing reminds me of the way a certain author writes and darned if I can recall his name at the moment.
I can feel the conviction of this man's feelings for his new love... calculating yet enamoured with with this woman who lays cozely next to him.
Congratulations on the trophy for this captivating piece
Dee
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good job
wow so many comments already... well ill just say it was a good piece.
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Sounds mechanical. Its lacking the intence emotion associated with love. There needs to be an eloquence and beauty. Yet when I read words such as diaphragm and phrases of that manor it I feel no emotional connection.
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I like it. It's definately attention holding. I kept wanting to know what you'd say next. You have whole bunches of beautiful phrases in there. I won't point them out 'cause I'm sure everyone else who has commented has already done so. You've got some brilliant evidence of your poetic genius in this one, however, I'm not a fan of how you broke up your lines. It's rather choppy. Actually, extremely so. I found myself being distracted from the poem trying to figure out how exactly I was supposed to read it. What was the rhythm, and such. For example,
"but time has that
way of tearing things
apart for us little pawns"
I think it would've been better if you combined a couple of those lines like:
'but time has that way of tearing things apart
for us little pawns.'
There are a whole bunch of lines that I think were cut prematurely. But anyway that's my only small issue with it, and even despite that it's still a good read
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wow this is good and loved awww and wow this good i mean you brought the story that you read about a live and well. keep it coming
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This is absolutely brilliant... A morbid love story, such delicious gothic images... I'd tell you my favorites, but I'd end up putting the whole damn thing on here. Infallible, beautiful, and worthy of diamonds. I wish I could give you a better comment, I'm quite good at them, lol. But you seem to have stolen my ability to create smashing superlatives. Maybe next time.
Exquisite.
Prone to pathetic bumblings, yet stubbornly determined,
~S.
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I love this part;
"embraced the excitement
of laying forever as one
initiated by the appearance
of my second glistening smile"
Beautifully written...
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I didn't even have to look to know this was you. Your command of the English language is utterly brilliant, and the imagery here is exquisite. If you ever find the story this was inspired by, I do hope you pass it on. Well done, & thanks for entering.
Laura
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Funny thing is, I had to change some of the wording in this so it would fit your contest requirements. Now that it's over, I'll probably go back and change those wordings back.
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Really? Either way, the change was done smoothly... I wouldn't have known if you hadn't said anything
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This is probably going to sound iffy, but as I read it, this struck me as line-broken prose with all the punctuation taken out. I know, I know, there are many types of free verse, but honestly, I think this piece would have more impact as prose. I don't see the formatting doing anything to increase the effectiveness of the language, read or feel of what you have here.
Now, if you do keep this linebroken and don't wish to change the content (I know I am sometimes reluctant to do it, especially on later drafts), perhaps a couple of line break changes could be done? The last word of a line is the place where the eye and the ear places the most emphasis before moving on. For that reason, it's often more effective to have strong words at the end of lines, rather than "weak" ones like "her", "for", "my", and "the". Just a thought.
good luck writing and keep typing,
Nocturn -
This is intense. it's very good, very well written, and very Very intense. it's almost... vicious... i like it a lot.
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Sorry...
...not my cup of tea.
If I'd known it was free verse I wouldn't have clicked.
Yes, I know I'm a bigoted old English motherf***er!
R.
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An amazing poem, truly enjoyable to read.
My favorite lines were;
"embraced the excitement
of laying forever as one
initiated by the appearance
of my second glistening smile"
Touching, your poem had so much emotion and feeling. How great is it to feel like that.
Crazy-Love♥
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I think if you read it again, you'd see it's not such a great thing...
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Hmm, I reread it twice, still liked it a lot. Though I suppose i'm still seeing it from my view mostly. I kind of see what your saying....
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my god
this this poem is how i felt how i frist my love over the net wow very nice i enjoyed this poem good job
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It's a beautiful poem. The images you paint are so vivid. The only thing (and it's minor) that I find confusing is where you say "we'd", whether you meant "we had" or "we would".
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Consider some comma's at the end of certain lines, line 7, after the line that ends "flat pen" and the third from last line that ends on "all". Enjambing all the lines kind of makes the flow awkward.
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Read this twice and...fuck.
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you are, indubitably, a badass, jason. i missed your stuff lots&lots.
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