Cuts

I didn’t cry today
The blade cut smoothly
Through the skin on my arm
It burned
But not like my soul does
It stung
But not like my mind does
It hurt
But not like this pain in my heart
But because of it
I didn’t cry today

I smiled today
The woman smiled back
She believed my smile
I winced when I moved away
The shirt rubbed against the new cut wrong
It burned
But not like the pain I’m used to
But because of it
I smiled today

I laughed today
It sounded hollow to me
But they laughed with me
I waited till they left till I moved
I had to limp slightly
The set of cuts on my ankle made that so
It stung
But not the pain I’m used to
But because of it
I laughed today

I told a joke today
It wasn’t that funny
But others laughed at it
I had to buy new pants though
My old ones rode right on the cuts down my side
It hurt
But not like the deep pain that used to hurt me
Butt because of it
I told a joke today

I don’t cry anymore
I smile
I laugh
I joke
I don’t know if it reaches my eyes
It probably doesn’t
But no one mentions it
They believe the face I show
I wear jeans and long shirts year round
It would be okay except for the summer
It’s hot then
I sweat a lot
But because of it
I don’t cry
I smile
I laugh
I joke

I looked at myself today
I broke the mirror today, literally
I have marks over all of me
Nothings left undone
Except right there
I hate how I look
But the pain outside
Holds off that inside
I have no where else left
Well just that final spot

The blade follows the vein nicely
The blood pools up
It tickles down my arm
I lay back in the tub
The carpets white
I don’t want to stain it
I smile at that
Funny how that’s the first real smile
I let myself have in so long
Oh well
The pain is almost numbing
But it’s taking away that other pain
And now I don’t have to smile

I see them walking by
“I miss her”
No you don’t
“I never thought”
You never asked
“She was my friend”
No I wasn’t
“I knew her so well”
Then name one of my nicknames
I have hundreds
Name one
You cant

I see you then
You’re crying
I know that real
You are yelling at me
I know
I wasn’t supposed to leave you
I just couldn’t take it
You say you’ll follow me anyway
I didn’t mean to make you cry
I’m sorry
Not for me
For only you

They are there too
They are glaring at you
They blame you for this
In their hearts
Don’t they know it was them
That you were why I stayed so long
No they don’t
They don’t want to see that
That would make them face the facts
They can’t do that
That would mean they didn’t know me
They didn’t

He walks up now
He’s sad
And angry
He mumbles about a promise
I know I broke it
And I’m sorry
He’d say I should have lived for him
Live for her
Live for them
He doesn’t get it
Sometimes the only way to live
Is to live for your self
And the only way I could do that
Was to not live at all

I’m sorry
But not for me
For those two
The only two that cared
But still I’m happy now
I don’t hurt inside at all
I’m happy to finally die