Closing time approaches
as the crowd gathers
their things in order
I wait by the bar
for one who caught my eye
She is leaving her friends
behind
Allowing me to walk her
outside
To get in my ride for
our journey to paradise
I come to the place,
With one-bedroom, little space
She grasps my hand in hers
I realize the couch is not
an option
We walk down a hallway
in jaundice
Dimly lit candles along the path
Mark a road to a forbidden land
We enter through a door
A queen size mattress lies
on the floor
What clothing we had,
is now tossed away
Her naked thighs sway
She is tan and hourglass
with a beautiful ass
Cradles in my hands, as it was
meant to be
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I TOTALLY disagree that this lacks emotion. It exudes sensuality, feeling, passion, emotion...I like how you juxtapose romance with lust and downright sexiness. Just great. (From the hourglass lady with the most beautiful ass) See what you do to me!!
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Feeling Sensual
Smootly Written with the smallest hints of Erotic
Which Makes this a Great Poem
What clothing we had,
is now tossed away
Her naked thighs sway
She is tan and hourglass
with a beautiful ass
Cradles in my hands,
as it was meant to be.
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I love it...But it lakes the way you feel inside....
I love the part that says...To get in my ride for
our journey to paradise...very romantic and hot at the same time...-) Keep writing.
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I agree with random on this write. There is a sensuality here but it lacks emotion, even if that emotion might be a greedy, got-to-get-one-night-in-with-this-chick feeling, it needs to be expressed in your write. If the feeling is more, then it should be expressed as so
Imagery and actions are empty without pathos cues.
s and best wishes always... ~Genie~
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Strong, yet a bit too, unfeeling
I love it very sensual yet, your emotion seems so detached a sin its only words to you. but for that its a wonderful poem. i can still feel the sensuality the rush, however put more of yourself into it i think your talent will really shine if you do.
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