twas the night before christmas and all through the net
all the people were seeing just what they could get
the predators were hung or at least so they said
while pervy visions popped round in their head
the insomniacs stared at the clock on the wall
while visions of snow had started to fall
i sat at my desk in a robe and white top
put the pervs on ignore and closed my laptop
when in the front yard there rose such a clatter
i sprang from my desk to see what was the matter
away to the front door i flew with a woosh
threw open the entrance and looked in the bush
the moon up high shined on the snow
gave a eerie cast to a cold winter glow
when what crushing my bush should appear
but a drunk passed out and smelling like beer
with a real dirty face and not moving a lick
he smelled like my brothers socks, it was getting me sick
all grossed out and queezy in my pink fluffy fleece
i ran in the house and called the police
now frightened now freaked now trippin and weirded
now freezing and confuzzed bout the man scruffy bearded
to the front patio by the hedge i looked down
he was still there as my mouth wore a frown
then in a instant i saw he was old
and thought to get him a blanket hes gotta be cold
as i drew closed my fleece and was turning around
he sprang from the bush without making a sound
he was dressed really shabby, what a sight
and his face was all sweaty even at 10 farenheight
a bunch of junk in a sack on his back
he looked kinda creepy and stared at my rack
his eyes really wrinkled his nose kinda hairy
his cheeks were like saggy and his grin was just scary
the drool down his mouth was startin to flow
frozen before it could drip in the snow
a gross bent cigar in his mouth still lit
and the smoke circled his head when he turned to spit
he had a long face and was thin as a bone
he shook nervous his laugh in the freezing air shone
he spoke not a word but went straight for my legs
a mistake as i kicked him and cracked both his eggs
layin on the ground in a ball as he wheezed
i just looked down in pity although i was pleased
he struggled up to run like lightening bolts
as a tazer then hit him with ten thousand volts
cuffing him the policeman winked at me like a star
Merry Christmas young lady we're never too far
Author notes
my apologies to Clement Clark Moore 
i am soooo sorry
A contest entry
- Christmas Pre-writes by Judith Chandler.
700 points, ended December 22, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
This is an original parody, which reflects how things are at Christmas of 2008 but I think the description of the drunk could use a little editing.
Thank you for entering my contest. -
Oh this was awesome!!! Good work here.
-
you kick santa in the (blanked out for censed perpose)
high five sweetie......that old guy had it coming.....i'm amazzed noone has done it before (winks) loved every word.....keep them coming
-
-
*high five*
-
-
"he spoke not a word but went straight for my legs
a mistake as i kicked him and cracked both his eggs"
hahaha! this is awesome
-
This is adorable hun!!! Very comical piece of detail and descriptive story telling, an updated version for today's society lol! Nicely done!
-
Ha!
Now, that was a very clever Xmas tale. Always great to see justice prevail! Nothing like a good kick in the marbles to chase a predator away. Very creative, young poet.
-
A Hoot!
You naughty girl! This is a very funny take on the classic. I don't keep these days as they're not Biblical, but I appreciate clever wit & writes. I see you took some liberties with your spelling & grammar, but well....this was very well put together!
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
