I drew my eyes into pink chalk lightbulbs, but they both
flicker & fade;
I can't even see correctly anymore.
The walls around me are sticky, melting plastic,
dotted with black I'm too afraid to grasp
for fear that I'll burst into atoms
and integrate with my fears --
sloppy & grim.
You envision my heart as some sort of
green icing red sprinkles delicacy;
take an experimental bite, see if I suit you,
then grimace --
I'm built upon layers of
hasty smiles and
flowers made from overworn dresses,
not silken petals.
"Precisely," you said.
Because, after all,
your medium is logic and frame,
never love or
tender devotion.
Ivory fingertips, why must you
grasp at everything that's
meant to fall apart
like it's the sun
of your existence?
Find something new.
A contest entry
- pretty much ANYTHING goes. by etoile.
825 points, ended January 11, 43 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - favorites. by catalyst..
550 points, ended January 4, 6 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Beautiful. Delicioso madamoiselle.
HA! WIN. -
i love all the imagery in this.
i hope you're not still editing this because i am judging tonight.
anyways this is beautiful.
thanks for entering and goodluck
-
72
originality: 8
creativity/poetic devices: 6
mechanics: 7
balance of images/ideas: 7
personality/emotion: 7
line breaking/structure: 8
personal opinion: 6
title: 4
rules followed: 5
focus: 3
cohesion: 4
diction: 3
syntax: 4
[extra credit] X Factor: 0
TOTAL POSSIBLE: 100
First off, I love your title. I think the semi-colon was perfectly placed.
You had some original ideas, but I got the feeling that you were 'telling' instead of 'showing'. I also wasn't crazy about the 'being noticed' repetition, though I understand what you were trying to accomplish with it.
All in all, this is a sturdy piece, and I believe you can work from this and grow as a poet in this contest.
~Cassie
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66
originality: 8/10
creativity/poetic devices: 6/10
mechanics: 8/10
balance of images/ideas: 8/10
personality/emotion: 7/10
line breaking/structure: 6/10
personal opinion: 6/10
title: 0/5
rules followed: 5/5
focus: 3/5
cohesion: 3/5
diction: 3/5
syntax: 3/5
[extra credit] X Factor: 0/5
TOTAL: 66/100
I had a problem here with the repetition...I feel you could've used different language to emphasise what you were trying to say. I also must agree with Tyler that this started off with potential, but you somehow lost the rawness as the poem progressed. Saying that though, this is still worthy of a finalists' place and from just your few opening lines, I'm interested to see what flavour you bring to this competition.
Laura
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73
originality: 8/10
creativity/poetic devices: 6/10
mechanics: 9/10
balance of images/ideas: 7/10
personality/emotion: 7/10
line breaking/structure: 8/10
personal opinion: 6/10
title: 4/5
rules followed: 5/5
focus: 3/5
cohesion: 3/5
diction: 3/5
syntax: 4/5
[extra credit] X Factor: 0/5
TOTAL: 73/100
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The first two stanzas were very good, but I'm not sure about the rest of it. From stanza three until the end, it didn't seem to have the spark your opening did.
Your imagery in stanzas one and two had meaning, and it all together it was very profound.
The rest of the poem fell flat. It was as if you had these great ideas, but just couldn't put those literal faces to figurative objects; that's why the imagery fell flat --- well, that is what i am guessing what happened.
You did put them to figurative objects...but your cookie image...I wasn't crazy about it.
It did pick up toward the end though. I really like,
"Oh, ivory fingertips,
clutching at everything that's
meant to fall apart
like it's the sun
of your existence."
[minus the "oh" -- wasn't crazy about that either. it sounded a bit overdramatic. that is just a personal thing though]
the very very ending was okay. it got the job done, but i think you are capable of better.
these are just my opinions. i like what i saw in your opening and i'm looking forward to see how you progress later on in the contest.
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I like this because it is kinda abstract. The imagery here is unique and interesting, with fresh images that explode into a multitude of colours to match the vibe of the poem. Very strong emotion here. A delight to read. Well done on a fantastic write!
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