i.
I was offered this job at an all-you-can-eat buffet,
I accepted, knowing it would be a challenge;
I just never knew how much.
they offered me free food, coupons,
and everything else in between.
I refused each time.
mind over matter, mind over matter.
I chanted to myself and refused all of the food offers.
I smiled, I was happy.
-at least there was one thing I couldn’t fail at.
four days later matter got the better of me
I ate everything on the menu,
the growling empty pit was satiated, for now.
I even failed at being anorexic.
I ran to the bathroom and threw it all up.
-I was a failed anorexic , but a pretty good bulimic
and that’s how it all began,
that one misdirected sandwich
solved all of my problems,
but at the same time ruined my life.
ii.
they saw me eating, and thought I was healthy,
they never knew that thirty minutes later
the food was not being digested by my system,
but travelling somewhere down the sewers;
at least the rats are happy.
at least someone was gaining from this experiance,
I thought each time my stomach acids
along with some bile left my lips.
my hands gripped the edge of the toilet seat
tighter as my throat convulsed.
it was painful, but beauty is worth it.
iii.
back to basics;
back to starving myself.
bulimia was too obvious
and not beautiful enough.
too many people knew my secret
and my mother, she bolted the toilet cover down
and I had to ask her to use the bathroom.
-there was no getting past her.
I still have a diet coke once in a while,
one calorie can’t hurt
and at least it stops people’s questioning glances
when they see that I’m consuming something.
a cigarette helps as well; it stops all food cravings
from ever reaching my mind.
iv.
mind wins,
matter loses;
for now.
Author notes
mesmerized--x
can I keep on going with this?
In a list
A contest entry
- favorites. by catalyst..
550 points, ended January 4, 6 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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What I liked most about this was how you emphasied how the lines between anorexia and bulimia are blurred and it's very easy to slip between the two. I can relate to the idea of challenging yourself by forcing yourself to be around food you can't eat and I think the last stanza had impact and finality, but also showed how it is a constant battle. However, I think, other than the layout, this piece wasn't particularly poetic. I would like to see more showing, rather than telling. More imagery and description because I felt this was lacking.
I also think it was a bit emotionless - I can see that you feel pain and there is emotion there, but I don't think it comes across in your poem. For instance you say 'it was painful, but beauty is worth it', which in itself I do like, but I feel you could SHOW the pain a bit more. Finally, in ii, it should be experience, I'm afraid I'm a stickler for spelling and grammar lol
Anyway, sorry if I've gone on a bit and if you don't agree with me and good luck in my contest x -
i don't have any words.
this is fucking beautiful emu.
like you. -
damnit
fuck
society.
nigga your just as good as alot of the most succesful people. actually your better than most of them since you have ears.
just
fuck
idk
so sad..
damnit.
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Awh darling this makes me so sad, but as usual, you write so fkn eloquently and beautifully about your pain.
I hate to think of you like this, so unhappy.
You don't understand how lovely you are.
I don't lie.
Everything I say to you is the truth.
I promise you that now.
*giant superific hug*
Shelly
xxx
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This is a horrible thing to go through but you turned this into a great read. I hope that you have gotten help or will get help for this. :[
I've never had to deal with this issue however I was a cutter for 4 years so I somewhat know where you are coming from.
This is my favorite stanza because of the emotions and the graphic:
"at least someone was gaining from this experiance,
I thought each time my stomach acids
along with some bile left my lips.
my hands gripped the edge of the toilet seat
tighter as my throat convulsed."
Keep up the great work. You have a lot of talent.
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