1. dusk
hand in hand they walked,
he was on the right side of
the yellow line separating
the oncoming traffic, and
she was on the left. he was
right to believe in death, and
she was left behind.
-it seems that their walking preferences proved it.
2. twilight.
the period of pretty words
and kisses on eyelashes on
cheeks. was it so wonderful
that she couldn’t fall asleep
for hours, and lay in bed
thinking about the ‘what ifs’
and ‘almosts’?
was it so painful that he had
to take double his dose of pills
just to get her out of his mind
and pass out instantly under the covers?
3. midnight.
a time of mysterious longing,
and obscure thoughts. a time
when the mind is its own and
when they are closest to each
others' hearts. brick walls cannot
separate their dreaming thoughts
from lingering on bedside tables
and under comforters.
midnight, the bittersweet moment
in time when they are together.
t-minus 60 seconds: go heart, go.
Author notes
okaaay.
i know the ending is kind of messed up and kind of a buzzkill to this almost good poem.
i like parts 1&2 and 3 just kills me.
---
mesmerized--x
In a list
A contest entry
- Wordbank Quickie by letters to no one.
950 points, ended December 18, 2008, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - emotion illness rounds - AUDITIONS by stasis.
700 points, ended February 7, 36 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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yes.
I agree with Tegan, I didn't care for the last line much.
as well, your grammar is kind of weak in places in that you have sentences without subjects or verbs.
stanza one was definitely my favourite.
thanks for entering
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yes.
"was it so painful that he had
to take double his dose of pills
just to get her out of his mind
and pass out instantly under the covers?"
I love that stanza. It's so heartbreaking. This in itself is so crowded with emotions that it made me feel like I was being punched in the gut every time I read a line of it, which is great, that's what I'm looking for.
I'm not sure if I like the last line though, it seems awkward and out of place to me, for some reason.
Please wait for the other judge's comment.
♣ Tegan -
sweeet
dont like twilight
but
i like this honey
=]]] -
Excellent write very imaginative and insightful Well done congrats on the gold
-
i really liked the original format of this poem
its not something i have seen before
very well worded, a journey which was worth reading
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this is one of my favourites by you.
1. dusk
hand in hand they walked,
he was on the right side of
the yellow line separating
the oncoming traffic, and
she was on the left. he was
right to believe in death, and
she was left behind.
-it seems that their walking preferences proved it.
that blew my mind. -
-
thankss
i like this one also
-
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I love how you used the different times of day to relate different aspects of a relationship. and the last line made me giggle. ^^
What do you mean almost-good poem? EVERYTHING you write is nifty, so there.
good luck in the contest you've entered!
-
"hand in hand they walked,
he was on the right side of
the yellow line separating
the oncoming traffic, and
she was on the left."
^ XXXXXXXXD
"twilight.
the period of pretty words
and kisses on eyelashes on
cheeks."
^ Awh.
Beauty
I loves it, as usual, but a few teeny tiny errors;
"a time
where" ---> "a time when"
"each
others hearts" ---> "each others' hearts"
And of course I appreciate, you know I do XD
Shelly
xxx
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