Anorexic tears
writhing within my veins
pulsating against my skin
fermenting anguish
of forsaken love
defused in a pit of ashes
fading in a void of madness.
Claustrophobia
a sensuous enclosure
caged in a melody of pain
beats once sung by his breath
forked in the dark
into python needs of grief
starved in decaying hope.
Flesh is heretic
they scorch in my self denials
as I slip into his vomit of promises
my dreams probe
enraged as they hither
in a depleted vessel
somewhere in a barren place.
Author notes
A reflection of how I felt subconsciously and emotionally after coming out of a very long term relationship.
A contest entry
- Picture Prompt by lunarlunacy.
400 points, ended December 25, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - DARK DEPRESSING and TWILIGHT! by Snow White Queen.
750 points, ended December 27, 2008, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - darkside by emoempess.
700 points, ended May 16, 201 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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wow...
all i can say "YAY" and "WOW" -
Yow! So much emotion. Two small problems, both in the third stanza: "Flesh is heretic/they"??? Shouldn't that be it? And "hither" seems old compared to the rest of your words. I love "his vomit of promises". Gross but effective. Buff
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This is a very emotional and powerful write. I commend you on that.
A few little notes. "Forked in the dark?" Now that seems a bit awkward. Forced maybe? That would make a lot more sense. And "Into python wishes" seems really strange. The way you worded that, it seems like you're going into a python's body. o.O And another last little note: grammar. You've got some major run-on sentences going on here. Every sentence has a focus, a major point to pay particular attention to. But I don't get that here. All I get here is a lot of adjectives. It takes away from the emotion and my connection to the piece. I don't know what I should pay attention to. I lose something because of that.
In general, I'm impressed with your ability. This poem uses a way of wording things that I wish I had. If you fix those awkward areas, I would feel a deep connection to this. Well done. -
This poem is full of emotion, it is very well written. My favorite part is
"Anorexic tears
writhing within my veins
pulsating against my skin
fermenting anguish
of forsaken love
defused in a pit of ashes
fading in a void of madness."
This line just sticks out the most to me. Great write and good luck in the contests
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I loved the stanza:
Flesh is heretic
they scorch in my self denials
as I slip into his vomit of promises
my dreams probe
enraged as they hither
in a depleted vessel
somewhere in a barren place.
very great write full of emotion and imagery.
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alot of images for me..which is weird because there were no pictures on the page..hmm...(GREAT JOB!!!)
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I could feel the deep emotion you portrayed. Very powerful write. Thanks for sharing it with us.
Wishing you many blessings,
Robert
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For some reason the song "Rusty Cage" by Johnny Cash started playing in my head when I finished the last line. Sort of a strange comparison, country pain and soul-crushing dark pain. However, anything that brings Cash to mind is a fine thing in my book
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Really enjoyed the last stanza, "Flesh is heretic" really grabbed me. Very uncomfortable yet appealing write.
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This is full of depth and pain. I love the lines, 'beats once sung by his breath/forked in the dark/into python needs of grief'. I hope this helped you to deal with the end of the relationship. A very potent poem.
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the images work well and like the feel of the write ... each line has an abruptness but also the lines flow together in a jumble of emotions.
maybe the structure of the piece could be different ... not really sure. it is an effective write but might want to play with it.
thanks.
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Amazing!!
The agony of loneliness and depression is portrayed excellently in this piece!
I'm Sold!! Nicely Done!!
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Very beautifully portrayed emotions!! I really enjoyed reading this. Great job here. Keep writing ya. Cheers!!
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That's deep! I loved it, Yotta. I miss you so much. Get on MSN, please. <333 love u
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Outstanding
This is a dark and haunting poem that captivates the reader with such strong imagery and a real sense of loss. You paint a sad picture and I liked the way you explored your thoughts and feelings. What stands out the most is the intensity of this poem and the choice of language. Best of luck in the contest.
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You've really captured your emotions and portrayed them beautifully in this poem. I could hear a frustrated voice whispering every word while I read it.
I don't see anything I would like to change in this, I enjoyed every piece of it!
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Wow, what an incredible depiction of grief and angst. Terrible sensation, and yet you captured it exquisitly! Enjoyed every linguistic morsel of this incredible piece.
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Huh, hopefully it will be the last time you go through something like this, well done. 3rd stanza my fav. So emotional.
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