This city needs some solid walls
To protect the one inside.
The enemy stands outside and calls,
Goading him who does abide.
To protect the one inside,
The bricks must lock in place.
Goading him who does abide,
The enemy laughs right to your face.
The bricks must lock in place,
Fitly joined one to another.
The enemy laughs right to your face.
He says these rules tend to smother.
Fitly joined one to another,
Principles should be held fast.
He says these rules tend to smother.
You're destroyed by your wayward past.
Principles should be held fast.
Morals guard the soul within.
You're destroyed by your wayward past.
It's not too late to begin again.
Morals guard the soul within.
The enemy stands outside and calls.
It's not too late to begin again.
This city needs some solid walls.
Author notes
This poem is a pantoum. I really like how you can morph from one item into another. This form looks harder than it is...once you wrap your mind around it. The poem is structured but not metered. Haygood Wryter
In a list
A contest entry
- Verse Poetry - Form or Metered by Corey Harvard.
500 points, ended December 27, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Prewrites. by Simone Brooklyn.
700 points, ended January 18, 65 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - And I still haven't found what I'm looking for... by kill the lights.
875 points, ended January 10, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Personally I’m not very keen on repetitious forms in poetry – it seems (to me) a contradiction to distil the essence of writing and then repeat – unless there is a Seuss-ian cause (lol)
For me too, some of the lines seemed to jar a bit as well – ‘him who does abide’ feels contrived and ‘rules that “tend” to smother’ seems a bit like “stop alleged thief!”, critics are seldom so fair (lol), but that may well just be me!
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Outstanding
I liked how the last line (although echoing the first) had added depth and meaning by the end of the poem. This is an interesting poem and one you have done well with. The imagery is strong through-out and the rhyme is not forced and adds to the effect of the poem. I liked the repetition and thought this worked really well. Best of luck in the contest.
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I like this a lot, well written
thanks
-dh -
your best yet
wow, my first I think, well done, repition excellent, flow perfect. if it was up to me, a little gold shiny thingy would grace this write
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I really like the mood of this. You've given yourself solid refrains to work with, and it ends on a strong note. I've never written a pantoum, but I love refrain based poetry, so maybe I'll give it a try myself.
Your message is intriguing. I like the sense of quiet urgency I feel when reading this. I also like that it's a "bigger ideas" poem in that it can be applied in a larger context.
I was okay with style. Make sure to spell check your work before you post it (stanza 2, line 4: 'laughts'). As for the phrasing, I thought you did a great job! Again, some of the ways those lines fell together... mmm.
Now, even though you did not focus on meter (as you noted in the author's comments) there is a lot of this poem that flows really well. Meter is always present - whether we like it or not. A misconception about meter is that it's entirely an aspect of verse poetry; all poetry carries some sort of meter. Even good free-verse poets are aware of how their poem flows. At the heart of it, it's all about where accents fall and how you're guiding the reader to verbally interpret the poem.
You've got a strong piece here. I do wish you'd be a little more meter-conscious, but the strong refrains, the good phrasing and that powerful ending makes this a solid poem. -
Please read the rules. And then message me when you have.
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