.
if you have given me
one thing, it is this:
a healthy disregard
for anything not-you
and I have one hope,
that my self-immolation is
enough to bring you warmth.
.
A contest entry
- i'm a very sick pineapple; make-up quickie ♥ by Immortal Obscurity.
500 points, ended December 16, 2008, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is a draft - be as harsh as you like.
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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This is brilliant. I like the third and fourth lines the best.
I adore the way you start and end with a full stop. It is similar to my second title, and unique to you
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this gave me chills, especially the last line. and speaking of which, i learned a new vocab word thanks to you today ^_^
i really like how you captured the mental state of this person with everything from the title down to the very last word. i also like how you illustrate the obsession of this afflicted person.
i like how you showed that people with this condition feel so low that they consider that their death is in fact a sacrifice for the people that they love.
there is not enough good things that i can say about this! great write and congrats on the silver!
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Powerful write, churning with emotional turmoil and detatchment. Well done!
Congrats on the trophy!
Bro Dennis
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confused
I thought the 2ndd stanza was excellent, a great comeback, but you lost me on the 3rd - immolation? and do you really want to bring warmth to someone you want nothing to do with? Not trying to be critical, it just seems inconsistent... could be I just didn't understand (that happens a lot) - Kevin
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The second stanza showed that the person speaking was brainwashed into not caring about anything that wasn't the person they are speaking to - they have reached that point of obsession that they would set themselves on fire to warm the other person. Hope that makes it more clear
thank you for your comment!
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I like the separated "you have", but I think it would sound equally good as "you've".
I know that sounds almost like a pointless remark since I don't think it'd sound significantly better as the contraction, but I thought I'd point out how you never use contractions...
I definitely think "it is" is good un-contracted, though.
Like those last 2 lines
for their pure cleverness.
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Jessica
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I do sometimes ... I try to, but I'm used to being marked down in essays for contractions - so that is my excuse
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That's awful - the marking down thing, that is.
I mean, what if it sounds better?! -
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In academic writing it *never* sounds better ... so my lecturers tell me
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Darkly done a wonderful take... chilling, but wonderful
Ken
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This is like the sweetest thing by you I've ever read. Makes me think of someone in my life...
Nice use of brevity, too. The first stanza is elegantly bold, the second one - interesting use of double negation, and the third one is just plain... loving.
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Oooh, I love the word 'immolation'! That's brilliant! Well done, and good luck
Laura
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