.
and i delve into your
too-white skin in an
attempt to find a seed
of interest, before you
shrivel into paper
you answer; a frenzy
of activity, effectively
proving your value for
a more-is-more philosophy
a cry for attention,
you breathlessly gasp
in imitation of
out-of-water fish,
does nothing for my good humour,
you reverberate within my
already throbbing skull
i was not the creator of
your problems, so i don't
understand why i should be
expected to fix them
.
Author notes
AN: Polaja
Some people make me want to be violent.
Words:
Delve
Reverberate
Frenzy
Creator
Shrivel
Gasp
A contest entry
- 6 words I'll send to you and then you give me something wonderful! by Nakatrea.
625 points, ended December 29, 2008, 15 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is a draft - be as harsh as you like.
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Bandit Appreciation!
Thank you for participating in this weeks Reading List with this lovely poem - your activity is appreciated
The Poetic Bandits
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very well penned
strong emotional delivery
and congrats on the trophy -
I really loved your last verse-"i was not the creator of your problems, so i don't
understand why i should be
expected to fix them"
People make a mess of their probles and then expect others to fix them. I can see why that would be an annoyance.
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The first verse is just a two on the anger scale, it quickly shifts to frustration of a five and then a burst of a nine, as a get out of the situation.
good imagery and use of the prompt.
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I really really liked your imagery, it truly captured an image that spoke volumes of what you wanted to say, the imagery didn't always match up or continue the one before it, but i felt like it worked and i was glad that you were so honest in this poem, great write!
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A very honest poem. I love it. It can easily be related to anyone even if it was a more personal piece (i don't know).
Great take on all the words.. I didn't see them going in this direction. No really I loved all of them " delve into your too-white skin"
"shrivel into paper"
"reverberate within my already throbbing skull"
So satisfying to read. I hope the words were satisfying to work with.
Love your style, love this poem.
Great job and good luck
♥♥♥Kat
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Masterfully penned ~
The emotions swimming within this lock me in as my intrigue builds higher til I reach the end where you leave an important question that by all means is rhetorical and yet at the same time demands an answer
I think this is an excellent poem
Best of Luck
♥
Stay safe
~Manda
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Outstanding
I thought this was well-written and I liked the way you explored your thoughts and feelings. Some days we are just not in the mood for other peoples problems and I liked the honesty of this poem. The images are unexpected and add to the poem giving it more depth and I liked your choice of language. Best of luck in the contest.
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This poem makes me re-visit the message I just sent you with a guilt complex 
My favorite part was the opening stanza. The too-white skin - paper analogy and the alive - lifeless implications of it are very clever. Brilliantly done. Love your play on "less-is-more, once again, an intelligent remark in only three words. Also love your use of "creator". Well, I enjoyed the whole poem, but these aspects stuck with me the most. The title, too, is very well chosen: one word, but such an intense and fitting word.
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you are not the kind of person that makes me want to be violent
this is more about a person who seriously lacks common-sense and I advised them against doing something, they ignored that and went ahead anyway, then when everything fell apart they came back and wanted me to fix it for them ... 
...
I'm glad that you liked it
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Mature words?
Anyways.
You use the word 'and' quite a lot in the beginning of your stanzas...and you do it twice here. I liked it a lot in the first stanza, but not the third.
"and the cry for attention,
that you breathlessly gasp
in imitation of an
out-of-the-water fish,"
"a cry for attention,
you breathlessly gasp
imitation(s) of an
out-of-water fish"
I think it could be cleaner...I don't like the 'that' or the 'the' in the "out-of-the-water" phrase. I like article words, but there, it felt like it was dragging it down.
"effectively
proving that you value
a more-is-more philosophy"
I liked that - it's so scathing and well, effectively proving of your ability to write.
I think the 'that' could be eliminated, though.
e.g. "proving your value for
a more-is-more philosophy"
Plus, I think the 'for' and 'more' sound good close to each other.
"creator of/your problems"
It's great.
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Jessica
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You rock ... thank you for your suggestions - I had no idea how to make this sound better - I'm off to work magic with the editing button!
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hmmm you seem to like mature words... so...
your prompts are:
Delve
Reverberate
Frenzy
Creator
Shrivel
Gasp
heheheh have fun! (you can mix up the word order)
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