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cliché

.

you wait for him
as the moon cinches
that ever-slim waist,
wait for those soft-sweet
words that dull the
voices saying things
you can't quite
make out in the clouds

you wait in silence,
every note that passes
your lips is dressed in
butterfly wings and
floats away before
your mourning song
materialises

.

Author notes

Picture Credit - "sing your love in sweet lips" by princess-of-shadows: http://princess-of-shadows.deviantart.com/art/sing-your-love-in-sweet-lips-57664203

A contest entry

This is a draft - be as harsh as you like.

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • Miss Faerie Greeters member
    January 6

    Edit | Reply
    A beautiful take on the image. I really liked "moon cinches your waist" because it's such an effective, strong image


  • notorious
    December 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I think this is one of your best, Lly.

  • tara wilson gold member
    December 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    this is beautiful

  • piggyback
    December 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The imagery in this is very compact and just perfect. It looks to me as if you've only used cliche words AND made something beautiful and original out of them. I really, really love that. It matches the beautiful picture. Sorry I can't comment better here - but I seriously just love it. I also find it interesting how I perceived a negative attitude toward the character, when that perception was really just due to the title. Nice


  • liduen silver member
    December 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Love this

    I like the point of view. I also like the repetition of "wait"

    Great metaphors also.

    Good luck!


  • notorious
    December 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    "that you can't quite"
    You don't need the 'that' there...

  • notorious
    December 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I really like this.
    Genuinely (when am I not?)

    "while the moon cinches"
    How about 'as'? It's only one syllable and it sounds better; cleaner, I think.

    "your ever-slim waist,
    wait for those soft-sweet
    words that dull the
    voices saying things
    that you can't quite
    make out in the clouds"
    Oooooh, I loved "ever-slim", but I think it could be:

    "that ever-slim waist,
    wait for those soft-sweet"
    With the 'you' in L1, I think 'your' is redundant. 'that' sounds more...exact, to me.

    "every note that passes
    your lips is dressed in
    butterfly wings and
    floats away before
    your mourning song
    materialises"
    Shit, yes.
    I loved that a helluva lot.
    Especially "mourning song"--fucking unique.

    Jessica


    • Polaja Greeters member
      December 17, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      I'm glad you like this - I was worried that it would turn out to be the same as the title ... as always your suggestions are appreciated and I will edit them in now - right after you acknowledge that I used a contraction in this poem (and the other one you just read)!

      • notorious
        December 17, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Maybe an é with the accent for the title?
        Press ALT 0233 for it...?

        This was not cliché.
        Contractions = bitchin'

  • liduen silver member
    December 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for entering! Here's your prompt: http://princess-of-shadows.deviantart.com/art/sing-your-love-in-sweet-lips-57664203

    If you really don't like it, message me.
    Good luck!

1 - 10 of 10