I hunger for what I should not
A need so
Deep
So overwhelming
It snatches my breath
Away
Waves of lust rock me to the core
Throwing me off balance
Only one thing can quench the
Thirst
Provide sanctuary from the
Pain
I shiver in anticipation
Waiting for the rush
Free falling to
Oblivion
Driving top-end to no where
Escape finally here...
...If only it was forever
Author notes
xXxVelvet-TearsxXx
A contest entry
- 6 words I'll send to you and then you give me something wonderful! by Nakatrea.
625 points, ended December 29, 2008, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Looking For An AP Family by Antebellum.
475 points, ended February 13, 2009, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Got an HM You Think Deserves Better? by Paloszoo.
900 points, ended April 9, 2009, 35 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think. I would really love some constructive criticism. Thanks
Comments
-
Hi. Thanks for entering my contest and good luck! I’ve decided to use a slightly edited version of my friend Arkbear’s grading scoreboard to help me judge this contest. I hope he doesn’t mind. It’ll aid me in organizing my thoughts and judging fairly versus randomly. I hope you enjoy it and find it helpful. Writers with the highest possible points out of 80 will obviously win
Title Appeal: 9.5 - Very simplistic title, which doesn't say too much about your poem. Could be about anything, so I'd click on this to read more.
Poem Flow: 9 - The read was pleasant, but choppy in some spots where you use just one or two words in the line.
Depth: 8.75 - Nice impact and power in your words, but will the reader remember this after they're done reading it?
Emotional Impact: 8 - I could relate somewhat to the words, but I just didn't become drawn in and emotionally invest myself here.
Spelling and Grammar: 10 - Good job!
Punctuation and Caps: 5 – ouch. Proper caps and punctuation, IMO, is soooo important to the power and impact of a poem. Punctuation pauses and stops the reader at the appropriate places so that he/she can reflect on your thoughts and absorb them….connect with them. Again, my opinion.
Presentation: 9.25 - Centering this piece makes all the difference in the world.
Personal Appeal: 8.75 - You did a wonderful job with this prompt!
My score: 68.25/80.00
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Most wonderful! I do hope the words were to your liking. You wrote a wonderful piece with them. Its really well written with an awesome flow and I like that you centered it. The phrasing is really good.I love the end. It is so true. Really Impressed with this piece.
thanks
and good luck
Kat
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Your prompts are:
hunger
escape
sanctuary
lust
shiver
wave
They don't have to be in order
Go nuts!
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