I watch you leave;
step by step by step,
the rain is pouring down creating puddles on the ground,
each new drop creating a tidal wave,
destruction everywhere
like when you said
"Goodbye"
I want to follow after you,
but my head and my heart are splattered all over the wall,
dripping residue on the floor.
Author notes
Prompt: Chasing Pavements
10 lines without spacing.. sorry it's a bit odd =/
A contest entry
- Quickie Contest Blast - 24 hrs (has been extended) by Celticmoon.
700 points, ended January 10, 2009, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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sad but expressive . . best of luck in the contest !!
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awwww
so sad
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First, let me say that your author's comment states this to be an odd piece, but honestly, I personally found it not the least bit odd. Such situations are one that many many of us have been through so that makes this very relatable. However, And I do not me to offend you, but this piece also seemed very cliche' to me.
It is not that the words you chose were common that caused it but rather that they were used in a more straight forward way instead of creatively with alliterations and metaphors entwined. I believe that this piece no matter how cliche' is appears can be reworked to blossom into a really wonderful verse that is fresh and unique.
Blessings
Bel
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"I want you follow after you,
but my head and my heart are splattered all over the wall,
dripping residue on the floor"
I loved those lines because as soon as you said them I knew exactly what you meant. How sometimes you want to say something but your mouth is constricted or you want to follow someone but your legs have turned to jelly
beautiful.
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Awh thanks...
I meant that line to be "I want to follow after you"
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