We chew on cheese and black currants in spring
While violins speak horrors with disdain,
And laugh in easy tones at some vague thing
That writhes in agony and focused pain.
Thus localized, no threat do we perceive,
And hence resume our cultured supping rite.
We speak in whispers that which we receive
From far transmissions of deceitful light.
We note the quality of red it shows,
Fidelity of screaming can't impair
Enjoyment of what no one truly knows,
Else wait an anxious night of disrepair.
Then let us dance while living creatures die:
Transmitted waves that skate across the sky.
Author notes
Written February 9th, 2004
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I checked it twice, I counted 9. See, what did I tell you, not good at these damn things. Eh, maybe I need to eat, haven't eaten in two days - oh, I did eat something that tastes like 'strawberries' but, really that doesn't count.
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That's weird, I count 10 syllables in your first citation... even when you separate it. The second line you cite, I guess I was pronouncing "radio" in my head the way most people say it when speaking naturally, with the "-io" as a dipthong rather than two separate syllables. At any rate, the exclusion of "In" won't fix that, since it won't start on an iamb; I shall have to rethink the line entirely.
Thanks!
- Giovanni -
In this line you have 11 syllables where it should be 10:
'In radio waves that skate across the sky.'
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'In ra-di-o waves that skate a-cross the sky,' = 11. I suggest to remove the 'In' in the beginning of the line.
Other than that, I feel you are better at these than I am. I have only written 3 in my entire collection of poetry (on and off the site), I do not feel I am good at them, and they just take too much of my time when writing them - tho maybe that is the point.
A good piece that you have written here.
Edited on Feb 11, 2:41 p.m. because ''. -
Gio...you are so much more creative than I...lol. Great write, babe.
Jenn
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This would be nearly indecipherable without the title, but it all makes sense... It looks like you put a lot of thought into this, and it's a solid sonnet, which is always admirable. I especially like the last two lines, but then again that's what two lines of sonnets are for... I would be really grateful if you put in some author's comments. I'm sure there are some clever things in there that not everyone will pick up on. Maybe some personal references...? I'm curious. Excellent poem. I am favoriting you.
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wow, awesome piece, i can't believe I'm the first to comment! You have so many strong images it puts my mind in a blur, but lemme try to understand them... Its about the darkness of society, and how culture can make it on the forground so we don't think about it? Also a bit of the dreamy state where everyone turns around and are really vampires...
Anyways, a fun piece, and very enjoyable read!
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