Inside Me

There's alot of things going on inside me right now
so many thoughts that cloud my mind to no end
thoughts of why I do the things that I do
why I choose to leave everything over and over
I keep trying to answer them too, oh how fucking sad
telling myself I know the truth, yet why would I still be searching then?
Inside me is so much fear, uncertainty, finding myself to be...
breakable?
am I really just realizing I could die, or am I just facing it for the first time?
no, I just never had this much time to realise I was throwing myself toward that,
possibility
I'm thinking about it too much, that's alot of it right there
but I can't stop myself, some how it makes me feels better to see the
Truth
some one asked me the other day if I was afraid to die
ha, of course not, every day i taunt the kitchen knife to stab me
it just doesn't have the balls to do it
jesus christ, really? no one in this world wants to die, not one single person
a few people are just afraid to Live
and even fewer brave enough to live for something worth dieing for
am I afraid to die? well no shit I am, but does the idea of dieing bother me that much?
no
not really
It's all the things that go allong with it that bother me
a fatherless child, a lonely war widow
not ever finding out what it's like to grow old and die along side the one I love
but more than anything the thought that I won't see my son grow up
all the firsts I would miss, first crawl, first word, first step, first fall
so... so many things
even all that aside, just the fear of everything I will miss in just one year
the fear of the unknown
can a child love as much when you're only around for short spurts of his growth spurts
three months old today, and I am already leaving him for a year
a year is a long time for him to forget me, a child who smiles every day I come home
will he smile at me when I come home? will he remember me at all?
the tears on my keybord right now only hope so
do tears really have hopes too?
So many things going on inside me
dreams and hopes too
a dream of coming home in a year to a family that loves me as much or more as when I left
a hope that I had done something amazing and worthy of pride while I was away
as much as I have thought about death lately, I've thought about what's worth dieing for
a strange thought, one that I don't even know how to develope
I've even thought about whether I'm brave enough to do what may be required of me
I have my doubts, and that scares me the most
Is that strange?
what scares me the most is not dieing if I should?
who decides when someone dies?
God?
There are so many things going on inside of me right now
and I don't know which one I should be afraid of.