Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

The Truth (My Insomnia)


Alarmed by shadows

I think I feel,
I struggle to close my eyes,

afraid I will open them a nervous child again
      on top of the old, twin mattress 
      damp from the anxiety of a nine year old.


Startled by crashes and fumbling 
outside the door
I whisper into the darkness,
“are you awake?”
and listen for my little brother’s answer
in sobs that matched my mother’s

 

 

 

 

 

+

 

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Author notes

Pic prompt - Option one

A contest entry

Im still revising this piece. Constructive criticism is welcome

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Terry Collett
    March 15

    Edit | Reply

    Insightful poem.

    This impressive poem says a lot in few words and unfolds a potted autobiography of yours(or someone). you have the fine talent for chosing the right word.


  • Ithica silver member
    January 9

    Edit | Reply
    You have an amazing depth to your writing. I am truly impressed with your skill at creating such a vivid impact with words!!! Well done!!!


  • Demington
    January 9

    Edit | Reply
    This is very well written. You have a good sense of pacing and a strong narrative push that shows without telling.

    Be careful in how you phrase your lines, as often we tend to try too hard or simply don't catch little hiccups in the flow of our work. The third line is a nice idea, but it reads awkwardly, the issue being with the use of "close." Something seems off. Agree with me or not, it is still worth playing with that line in an attempt to revaluate your choice in that line. If you find out that you like what you wrote then you will feel even more confident after having put the line under the scrutiny it deserves.

    A very, very good piece of work.

    Blessings,

    C


    • Catie Sheeran gold member
      January 9
      Edit | Reply
      thank you for the critique...I actually went back and reread it and I see what your saying...though, do you think it's the syllables in that line...seems like there is too many and really throws off that line...maybe if I just say, "struggle to close my eyes" that will sound better...or is it really just the word "close" that is the bother?

      thanks again for your honesty...means a lot to me


  • Swan song gold member
    December 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I whisper into the darkness,
    “are you awake?”
    and listen for my little brother’s answer

    This was golden.


  • DumbBaby
    December 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Good spooky poem


  • Icarus
    December 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh, that's so sad It really tugs at your heart. The words are written so nicely and capture the misery and pain behind the story x


  • redhanded
    December 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    hmm I like this piece alot. it has a good beat to it as well as the imagry is good as well. If you could please put your option number in the An just as a real, I do know you used it in the piece but just to make it fare please do so. thanks so much, any questions about that feel free to message me. thanks so much for your entry best of luck to you in the future and with your writing.
    andi
    (redhanded)

1 - 8 of 8