Babe, just so you know,
I have a few words to share.
Did you know that you hurt me?
('Though you probably don't care.)
We were meant for eachother;
Names written in the stars.
We both know thats not true,
But you still left me with scars
Those words were so beautiful
When whispered in my ear.
"You're the one I've been waiting for."
It seemed so sincere.
But I know the truth now.
You've said that a thousand times.
And the worst part of all--
It was the least of your lies
Our time together was wondrous
And also short-lived.
The end came without warning.
I wasn't sure what I did.
It's true I was upset,
But never mad at you
All i could think was,
"It must have been something I put him through."
Then it all fell into place.
Why was I blaming myself?
I'd fallen for you fast
But you easily put my love on a shelf.
So thanks for the lies,
the hurt,
the deceit.
And I have a new boyfriend
I'd just LOVE for you to meet.
'Cause he knows what you did;
Wouldn't mind seeing you hurt.
And you turned out to be
Exactly who i thought you weren't.
Author notes
allpoetry.com/colbylynn
A contest entry
- What Would You Say To Your Ex? by Priya1989.
600 points, ended January 23, 2009, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - People who haven't won any trophies at all... by amaranthine lover.
525 points, ended January 21, 2009, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewritten contest for all by serenity silvermoon.
490 points, ended January 30, 2009, 90 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I really want some feedback on this one.. You think it's good?
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Thanks for the nicely written piece.
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ive read this b4 but i figured id comment anyways..i luv it..thought ive told u b4.. keep writing beb
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i thought this was really really good! the rhyme scheme was simple but it works for it. i like the end and how its sort of a passive threat nice
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I think this is an excellent poem! I really enjoyed the flow, and it was perfect and easy to read. The ending made me laugh, So it worked out pretty well Great Job! Good Luck!
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I loved how you ended this with hope.
It is a fresh breath from the cliche failed love poems, and I enjoyed it. The way you said you felt guilty at first, is so relatable. I know what you mean there. Loved this piece. Keep writing.
~Sunflower. -
WOW!!!
This was very good... I MEAN HOLY SHIT!!!
This was my favorite part
the deceit.
And I have a new boyfriend
I'd just LOVE for you to meet.
'Cause he knows what you did;
Wouldn't mind seeing you hurt.
And you turned out to be
Exactly who i thought you weren't.
I mean wow!!! That was really good... I have also been there before... But i have found someone that is 10 times better than what he was/ever will be... Its amazing to lose something that meant so much but then find something else thats so much better.... Now im happier than ever... although ill admit i miss what was, im better off without all the hurt and drama..
Keep up the amazing work!!!
Shannon*Leah
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in your title, move the apostrophe one letter over: "weren't". =)
In the first two lines, I feel you could take out one of the "just", because using it twice like that makes it sounds redundant.
"It must have been something I put him through."
It's really long and disrupts the flow of the poem. Maybe if you changed it to something like, "What did I do?"
Wow...dang this poem is pretty emotional. Good for you though, you realized what kind of guy he was an now you've got someone better for you! I -
I think you now see the reality. Your disenchantment showed but you will be wiser.
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wow, i cannot beleive i made a mistake in the title.. and i didn't even notice it until it was pointed out to me. Thanks to every1 who's commented so far i really appreciate it.
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Well done!
Good rhyming and rhythm in your poem. I think the verse ending with "slut" could be improved since 'slut' doesn't rhyme with 'up'. (And even though your BEST FRIEND was called a slut, you might want to use another word for the sake of the poem.) Otherwise, I think it's good! Keep writing..it's a good way to release negative feelings that can affect your mental and physical health.
Good Luck in the contest!
Maureen
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Hi There
Sorry for the late comment on your piece. Thank you so much for entering my contest though, I am glad you say it came at a time when you wanted to write about it anyway, so hopefully this contest acted as some kind of catalyst for you
One quickie - in the title, the apostrophe should be "weren't". I know this is me being picky, but just trying to draw it to your attention quickly so we can move onto the positives
I liked how the mood in your poem shifts from hurt to moving on to disbelief in different places. I liked your consistent rhyme. I identified with so much of your experience as described here. I'm sorry you had to go through this.
These are the lines I liked specifically:
Line 6: Wonderful imagery, deeply romantic and melancholic.
Line 11: This sent shivers up my spine. Mainle because this has also falsely been said to me also
Line 24: I constantly think this all the time. Hun, this is NOT your fault k?
Line 33: The mood of your poem shifts here.
And the ending was excellent and tied in with the title.
Thank you for entering my contest and best of luck with this piece
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Our time together was wondrous
And also short-lived.
The end came without warning.
I wasn't sure what I did.
It's true I was upset,
But never mad at you
All i could think was,
"It must have been something I put him through."
Mmhmm! This is written with such truth. And the ending is great,
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