Sober

So I hate the feeling of being
Totally and completely stone-cold
Sober
Without a drop of any vice within me
It's almost like a fire within my veins
Longing for a release
Longing for anything, really.
I just need something to help me
Forget
About this black burning anger
Deep within my heart
That is eating me up
From the inside out.
I just wanna stand there
And make you see
What you did to my family
That one fateful day
But I can't
So I turn to some random vice
It might be, a shot, a pill or sometimes
Even a knife
I just need something
Sometimes
To make me numb to my
Ice-cold black heart
Filled with anger for you
I just need one shot, one pill
Or just one cut.
But alas, the shot is better done
With friends
And the pill, well, my mom toke
That, as her means to her end
So maybe the cut, but really
The scars are becoming to much
So for now, I guess
This evil feeling of sober
Will have to stay
But I need you to know
I hate you so much
I would wish you death
But alas I am a semi-Christian women
At least I do fear God
So I'll just wish you one day
Open your eyes and see
What we lost
Because maybe then
I'll feel okay
In those moments when I happen to be
Completely and totally
Stone-cold sober

Author notes

2008.

I don't know... I just cannot sleep right now and this popped into my head. Mostly cuz I am trying to be a good little girl and not let my vices control me... though I am seeing that I am really an addict and my drug of choice is anything.. This includes over the counter sleeping pills and pain killers, liquor, and cutting.

Also the person I am speaking to is the asshole who was driving the car when he decided to try and kill my sister almost 3 years ago. I want so much for this kid to see the damage he caused, not just to my sister, but to the entire family. Due to that action, my sister was in the hospital for a month, ended up dropping out of high school. My parents to try and pay for everything got in over their heads in debt and we lost everything. The kid lost nothing except his right to drive legally.

I don't care if it sucks, I just needed it out of my system.