Shivering lips whisper
gentle words
from deep within.
Racing hearts beat together
in the moment
of passionate love.
Their eyes reflect
the light shining
from inside,
And in soft embrace
they whisper words of affection-
never ending,
two hearts become one.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I'd say less punctuation, the flow of the poem is effortless so that really is just distracting to the true beauty of this.
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This had a very odd to flow to me, and I checked the meter (which I rarely do) --- it's completely erratic, but the line formation, along with the near-hit flow suggests you were aiming for something more than that.
relect= reflect
neverending= never ending
"from inside.
And in soft embrace"
I suggest changing that period to a comma, or replacing and with something non-conjunctive.
Just some advice.
Other than that its a good write, keep at it.
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Thank you for your comment... and yes I wanted something out of the ordinary. It's supposed to be odd but sweet. I guess I wanted the form to add to the meaning.
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Beautiful and very romantic and lovely. This is such a beautiful moment you have written about here,and I thank you for sharing it. It was a pleasure to read.
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this is sweet.short and sweet.you describe one of the the best feelings ever very well.
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