I was already broken when the perfection began.
You sprawled across my life & your sweet saliva was more addictive than every blade that swiped my veins. crossing yourself with hope[if there is such a thing] you entered the lair of my mess-ups and told them what to do with their hideous hides, finally shoving me into acceptance. You loved me so much more than your life and I could give nothing but those hours I spent holding your quivering body, while kissing away the tears, and promising to keep the monsters away tonight.
;and the next night;and the one after that;and the one after that;...
You confided in me and I locked away all your secret pain and the horrors that had you paralyzed; in the vessel of my chest; for me to bear, not you. in turn I rolled all my suffering out onto the schools floor and you helped me beat it into submission and give the world everything I have because you believed in me THAT much. You transfused your brazen O-positive blood with my airy and frightened A-negative, finally setting my soul alight.
You were born in .:all:. the perfection of a broken hearted archangel chucked from heaven just because to were much too beautiful.you taught me exactly how to lie and push my face into the -too-cool-for-you-i'm-so-bored- expression while twirling most of the world on my pinkie {born to conquer} I re-gifted you with my broken heart and you put the main pieces back together with all the breathed sympathies.
You traced the pattern of a blue yellow hand across my cheek with your kisses and made sure I could stand up for myself that night when the rage would again over flow onto every corner and contour of my body.
&&and as each bone slowly jutted more and more out of my ill-fitting skin--
you loved that too.
A contest entry
- The Best of the Year by Bean Sidhe.
1350 points, ended January 3, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - emotion illness rounds - AUDITIONS by stasis.
700 points, ended February 7, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make this THE largest Contest EVER on AP [enter, enter, enter!] by Symphony.
18000 points, ended April 28, 1011 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Name: Evangeline. Insperation: My first love; and the hopes that it will soon, fade away.
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
-
This comment will be brief as my computer is about to turn off!
Loved the way you wrote this; the dirty pretty worked really well when written by you - especially the imagery, it was so vibrant yet filled with despair ;
excelelnt job thank you for entering
-
yes.
the dirty pretty elements (overusing ; & ^ :, cutting references, some of the imagery) almost made me say no, but I can see your potential and I'm curious to see what you will do with contest guidelines.
thanks for entering. -
-
I rarly over-use, but I had fun here.
I wrote the truth, even the cutting with it.
thanks.
-
-
yes.
I'm not going to lie, there are a few things in this that almost made me say no. The cutting reference, for instance, was one of them. As well as a few other insignificant lines that seemed very cliche.
However, there's some sort of weird charm to this that is making me say yes. I thought it was very raw and struck a few of chords in me somewhere. So yeah...
Please wait for the other judge's comment.
♣ Tegan -
-
I understand completely, and since I did not write this particually for the contest I refused to make the changes in order for it to place.
I wrote the truth, every cliche bit of it and I was plesently suprised.
thanks for the critique; I love and respect your work-
so I appreciate the praise.
-
-
Such an eye catching dirty-pretty poem. I can tell this is coming from your soul and emits so much emotion. Overall, lovely and a great write.
~ToxicSuicide. -
Awesome! I totally connect with this.
-
this is beautifully written and I can "see and feel" your pain! I just want you to know if you ever need to talk...well I am here! this really grabbed at my heart hun xx welldone
-
I really liked the words you used. Your metaphors, and it was definitely an eye catcher. But the thing I don't like is the unnecessary random things put in it, like this:
;;and the next night;;and the one after that;;and the one after that;;
It just seems way too immature and distracting. You can't really take a story/poem that seriously when there is things put in that isn't needed. It takes away a lot of the seriousness and power of the poem. It just looks extremely silly. It would be great without all of that. -
"I was already broken when the perfection began."
Such an eye-catching opening line!
"your sweet saliva was more addictive than every blade that swiped my veins"
^.^
I actually really enjoyed reading this piece, I haven't read a nice, good quality dirty pretty poem in sooooooooo long
Good luck in the contest
Shelly
x -
-
Thanks for the wonderful comment!
-
-
no problem, i really do like this XD
-
-
-
By the way, please add your name and your inspiration for this entry in your author's note! Thanks!
-
Okay, first comment is: YAY! I love dirty pretty! It's a secret addition for me & this is done in a lovely way.
Now, having said that - I would suggest doing a quick spell check. Just on a quick run through, I counted four misspelled words & ugh! I hate that!
Nonetheless, your descriptive abilities and dirty pretty caught my attention in a good way. Thank you for your entry & good luck in the contest -
very good poem. I love it
Adding your comment:
1 - 15 of 15
