We all piled out of Paddy's bar that blissful night
Pissed as a load of proverbial newts;
'Where to now me boys, which bar's still open?'
Shrieked spiflicated Sean O'Shannon
(that's notorious sixteen pints an hour Sean
the man who won Strictly Come Boozing twice)
As he tottered over to his Pa's gleaming Bentley convertible.
'Sean, me oul' potato, de ye think ye should be driving
With that record-breakin' skinful o' stout
I just seen you put away down your greasy gullet?'
Enquired loopy Liam O'Lanaghan as he leaned over
And puked up another gallon of Guinness
On one of his friends in the beery Ballygannon gutter
To our shared amusement and jollity.
So without another word being spoken
We all clambered gaily into the waiting car
And roared off into the enchanted Irish night;
Singing and smoking ourselves silly simultaneously.
And then this bloody stupid clodhopper
Who had neither a driving licence nor a beer on board
Came round the next corner in a borrowed Ford van
And got sent to goddam Kingdom-sodding-Come.
'Oh begorrah and holy shit, would ye just look at the mess
The feckin eejit's made of me Daddy's Bentley,
And it's his pride and joy so it is to be sure!'
Cried Sean O'Shannon in an alcoholic rage,
As he contemplated the largest insurance claim
In the County Cork for the past three decades.
How fortunate old Father Tucker and Garda Sergeant O'Toole
Could both (when they'd sobered up sufficiently)
Testify later from their secure vantage point
In the front seat of the devastated vehicle,
(Narrowly having escaped the mighty impact
And being protected by wearing seat belts)
The accident was not dear Sean's fault at all, to be sure,
As the other stupid sober bugger was driving at 75
On the wrong side of the goddam street.
'Sure but Sean's the best driver this side of the Blarney Stone'
They agreed before going off for another jar or two.
Author notes
It's all too easy to lay the blame for bad driving on alcohol. Remember that 1 in 3 car accidents are alcohol-related - that means 2 in 3 are caused by being sober.
(This is a major re-write of an earlier piece on a similar theme.)
In a list
Let me have your views good and hard
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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i dont drive but i do have a crazy sense of humor and this had me grinning,i dont know an irishman called sean o'shannon who owns a bentley lol all the irish lads i see around here drive scap metal vans
being a mole of course you could always just burrow your way safely home, keeping within th espeed limit of course 
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Oh my dear Barty, what an eloquent entry you have put forth before my eyes.
I agree that there are most definately many other causes of tragedies on the roads, all of which could be avoided by more responsible actions of the drivers. You certainly show this in a humerous light.
Thankyou for entering into the contest.
Ann
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Barty so sad not to win he go off and get pissed and go for a nice drive to drown the sorrowings.
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Mo...... no driving dear Barty.. you know your little leggies don't even reach the peddles.
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love it! simply fantastic
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very good
like they say
you should've listened to your mother
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Well, although I hate....
.....free verse with a passion, I enjoyed this story in its entirety - perhaps because it wasn't the normal obtuse tangential bollocks that nobody can ferkin understand, not least the author!
Well worth a bit of a clap.
Robin.
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I love a little ditty from dear old Ireland. some of my favorite poets hail from there...Yeats to name just one... This is a lot of fun to read and a roaringly funny story. Good job with it. Write on, poet.
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Dear Bartholomew Mole
steady your hand, put down the VAT and hold up three fingers. No, three fingers, that's it. Now you are telling me that two fingers represents sober accidents and one finger drunken avoidable accidents? so if we removed one finger, here allow me to give you the finger back the drunk one! We could instantly save one quarter of all accidents and the lives they affect. I think even the St Peter inside of you would have to agree that's a bonus. Now finish your VAT, stagger off home, and try not to get run over by a sober person.
Cyber Artist
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Put down the Value Added Tax? No, Gordon Brown has already cut it to 15%.
Apart from that, surely it would be better to remove the 2 fingers, the accidents caused by stupidity, by using mobile phones whilst driving, by being sleepy or just plain dumb. Also, don't forget that a load of pedestrians get mowed down because they are stupid. And also, even more so: the two most endangered groups are cyclists and motor-cyclists - and anyone who uses either of those modes of transport is as thick as pigshit, especially if 100% sober. Who in their right mind would ride a cycle in heavy traffic? -
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Oh my, Edna popped out of Batholomew's hole, that's confusing ooops Might have an accident, may be not. Anyway we know you cant cure stupidity that's why I'm talking to Edna and not the writer Bartholomew. We can however remove car keys, immobilize drunks cars, impound them and sell them to help in your case the NHS. Why would you Stand up for an idiot to increase his foolishness by drinking. I'm sorry old Boy doesn't matter who you pull out of old Batholomew's hole your not winning this one. But full points for amusing me with your stupidity, now off you go and mind that truck while crossing the ro...... Oh Edna are you alright lucky there's so much alcohol in your blood it will help fight the infection and numb the pain. Now what's your dam number for an ambulance 911 no 912 no 913 no relax I'll get it in an hour or two 914 no......oh stop your moaning or I'll start again
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Our emergency number is 999, but it is understaffed. Last time I called to ask for help after having been mugged by a 6'4" black boy, they were engaged. Probably dealing with an car accident caused by a sober idiot. Seriously, the fact remains that most road accidents are NOT caused by alcohol. However, alcohol is a nice convenient target as, by reducing drink-driving (and drink pedestrians), a noticeable but TINY reduction in road deaths can be achieved. In case you hadn't spotted it, I am not defending drink-driving, merely saying it's the wrong target. I'm sure Bartholomew would agree with me. Well, obviously he would.
As a little example, here's a list of all the car accidents Barty and I have been involved in over the years.
1. Skidded and drove into a lamp post. Barty was pissed. No one harmed.
2. Some eejit opened his car door as I was driving by. Sober carelessness on his part. No one hurt, but my car damaged.
3. My car slipped out of gear whilst parked momentarily on a hill, went down the hill and hit another car. Cause: either my carelessness or (more likely) some unpleasant yob leant through the open window and released the gear lever for fun.
4. Whilst being towed to a garage for repairs, I was unable to brake sufficiently fast and hit the rear end of the tow-truck. I had not touched any alcohol but was tired after a 400 miles drive. Carelessness - I forgot my power brakes were out of action.
5. Someone drove into the back of my car. He was a teenage car thief (sober).
6. I clipped a protruding iron bar hanging off the back of a lorry. Cause: insufficient warning of the danger from the driver in front plus my own inattention to possible danger.
So in the 6 accidents (mercifully no harm to me or others), alcohol was involved in only one. Par for the course.
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What you have clearly missed and what makes this different to a genuine accident which you have just proven. Is accidents committed sober are more minor in nature, you have more of a chance to correct a mistake if you realize you have drifted to the wrong side of the road,headed the wrong way up a one way street. You are less likely to make these corrections or deal with the impending threat if you are pie eyed.
With a blood alcohol concentration of 0.05 the risk of being involved in a crash doubles, with a BAC of 0.08, you are seven times more likely to crash and 25 times more likely with a BAC of 0.15. So here goes your stat's up the proverbial Rarzoo 30 people leave pubs around your area 20 had Shirley Temples and Fire engines 10 had a skin full remember these levels are really low on average three standard 12ounce drinks of wine will take you to 0.08 most drunks would blow three times these limits easily...
One in three doesn't seem to bad but when that one is conservatively ten time more likely to have an accident and the accident is nearly that again more likely to be fatal.
Losing a life in a car accident is never easy but we all realize that accidents happen, there will always be a statistics but increasing the odds with alcohol if only doubling it when its just not necessary is selfish and bloody minded. The really sad part is accidents that are fatal usually kill the person committing them. Accidents involving drunk divers are more likely NOT to be fatal to the driver UNFORTUNATELY
Im glad you have not driven the Bentley into the Thames yet but if you drink and dive your a time bomb with a shorter fuse than anyone else on the road Motorbike, cyclist or pissed Mole......
May I take this opportunity to wish you Seasons Greetings and a Happy and Safe Christmas
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Sadly you haven't understood my point.....
1- No none sane would dispute that driving when pissed out of you mind is a bad thing.
2. However, most road accidents are caused by sober people behaving stupidly: using mobile phones, falling asleep, being bad drivers, being careless etc etc.
3. Demonising a minority is pointless.
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As I have demonstrated they may be a minority but that minority make more impact than your giving them credit for. That minority is is statistically fixable. How could you ever compensate for all the little accidents that happen, laws would need to be drawn about teenagers and restrictions added, and they are slowly happening. Laws regarding little old men in hats, old lady's restricting there driving. To some degree there in place and the list goes on laws governing how long you spend in a car to stop tired driving. What sexual activity s etc... Are you getting it! We have a lot of laws governing stupidity we would need a ton more to account for everything. To fix Drink Driving just one law do it, loose your car go to jail.
where you will never be able to account fully for stupidity you can account for drunkenness.... If a tall man approaches you in a ally and raises a gun, aimed it at you, and fired, you would more than likely die. If that same man attacked you with a knife the risk is lessened as you can defend yourself. If that same man beets you and steels your wallet and leaves you your chances of surviving are even better.
give a drunk a car and he could be 25 times or more dangerous than the average idiot. Give a drunk a buss and let me take my chances with all the other idiots.... I like there odds better -
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Cut the crap.
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Now, now no need to be crass! Tis the season to be Jolly
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However strongly the arrow of causation points the other way, this is a clever bit of writing from the non-Irish Barty. Have a safe holiday.
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Yes it is true I am German type mole however I have slept with several Irish girls and have picked up something from them.
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