When He asks you why you fell
You’ll point to me
And whine, Adam, whine,
Like you always did.
So let the Angels give you fire,
Out of pity,
For the fire of my skin is lost to you.
And take what you can from the Earth;
She was on my side.
But most importantly, remember,
That your fall from Grace has left you
Alone,
And the next time you’re lucky enough
To stumble across my path,
I may not feel so
Mortal.
Author notes
This is VERY rough. In fact, I plan on expanding on this. Please tell me what you think, so I know if its worth the effort! This is different from what I have been writing lately, so I'm in the air on it...
Always,
V
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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damn sure worth the effort, please send notice if ya add to this.
suppose to be downloading my brain out of this machine so I can try and get some of that elusive creature they label Sleep, but I keep going back for another read. -
ok so i am totally finishing this i gave you six months to do it dont hate me ill totally give you credit.
KISSES!
your win. -
i LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IT i want to make it a slam poem you HVAE to why are you so fucking talented?!?! not fair
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just as is. great read, esp the last lines. Kudos
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Is definitely a great start to an interesting poem. I would tend to agree with Ademon, I think if you added more imagery to the poem to encourage the reader to transcend into your words it would make for a wonderful piece.
Good luck with revising this hun, I look forward to the finished article.
Take care
Del
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I liked where you were going with this, it starts off well and ends well, just an idea...maybe add some more imagery in to it...I read what you saying but I want to "FEEL" what you're saying...I dunno I could be completely wrong about it too, I'm not a professional writer myself.
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I think that this piece was absolutely worth your effort. It reads very smoothly and with a raw, emotional power. I admire the way that you have used the language and biblical references, it makes the subject that much more compelling, that much more personal (speaking from a gender point of view
) I liked this write very much. I don't typically click on featured items because I don't like to feel as if I am obligated to comment on a piece. Your title caught my attention and I could not resist. I'm very glad that I was drawn to this page and this poem.
Bookmarking as a favorite. Do let me know if you expand on the piece, I'd like to read what you come up with.
s and best wishes always... ~Genie~
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Hmmm I'm confused over whose point of view this is coming from. Well, from the title I'm saying Eve, but that doesn't come through very clearly in this poem. Halfway through you switch from saying "me" and "my" to "she", and that makes the point of view unclear.
And whine, Adam, whine,
Like you always did.
This part is confusing. I think it may be the use of commas here, I'm not quite sure what it is you're trying to say.
I feel like you could add "alone" to the line before it. That is just my opinion, though.
I hope those suggestions help! -
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Thanks for the input! Just to clear up a few points:
It is (sort of) from Eve's point of view, but is actually all an extended biblical metaphor for a personal situation, so I suppose I am Eve. When it says "she" it is actually referring to the Earth, you know, sort of as a character; I'm sorry that was unclear. "Whine, Adam, whine," did take a little poetic license to pull off! Strangely enough, that was the line that got this whole mess started, and I am unusually fond of it. Alone might sound good in the line before ( I see where you got the idea) but unfortunately it would throw off the whole Adam and Eve as the only two humans thing...
I do appreciate your input, and I hope I cleared a few things up for you(roughly)! Try reading it again with this new perspective, and see if you like it.
Thanks!
Always,
V
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i think this is superb i love it!!
when he asks you why you fell
you'll point to me and
whine Adam, whine,
like you always did..so visual!!
"and the next time you're lucky enough
to stumble across my path,
i may not feel so
Mortal..wow fantastic ending, my favorite bit.
this write has so so much emotion in it i really love it,
personally i do not think you should change anything, its perfect!
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