.
your half-lidded eyes
so listless in their
avoidance of sobriety
but i hear gentle
reverberations of light
as you mumble about
"the molten-golden notes"
of icecubes against glass
.
Author notes
"the molten-golden notes" - is a line from "The Bells" which is my favorite poem of all time - written by Edgar Allen Poe 
A contest entry
- yellow by notorious.
912 points, ended December 14, 2008, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is a draft - be as harsh as you like.
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Excellent. I could see some woman sitting against a bar drinking scotch... eyes and all
You choose excellent words to describe the images you create
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I liked this and the contrast between the stanzas. I agree that starting the second with 'and' could be changed...maybe 'but'. I'm almost left with some sense of hope when I finish reading this but it is probably my interpretation. Cheers
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I love the power of your words in such a short poem I imagine a room of books, where someone is sitting in an old armchair gazing into the fire! The way this leaves it open for me to project my own thoughts is great revision-wise, the only thing that I would do differently is not have the "and" at the start of the second stanza, it worked with the "are" but the "so" makes this read differently. I enjoyed reading this poem very much
♦ M
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I think this is perfectly written in response to the color yellow. im a synthesite, and i can taste beer in this poem and i see mostly shades of yellow when i read it out loud and i also love the originality of hearing light.
and i love "The Bells."
its just me and my style, but i would make the 2nd stanza intended towards the center. i just think that would look better and it would contribute towards the overall flow. i also like that you added "so" to that line.
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I find it interesting how you don't have a predicate in the first stanza, referring to him, but you have it in the second stanza, referring to your perception; makes me think of how drunken people hardly make any sense, while the sober ones can make sense of the drunken people's nonsense. The first stanza is a very vivid, clever image of being drunk. It sort of makes me envision someone who's had issues and avoids to deal with his/her problems. In the second stanza, again a very vivid and complex image, of whisky. I really like this, it's very well written.
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LMAO - I like that title; it nicely foreshadows the content of this poem without going overboard with "when you were drunk, this happened" (mmm, I dare you to write a poem with that title, actually. LMAO.)
"are listless in their"
I'm thinking "so listless in their/avoidance of sobriety"; what do you think of the 'so'?
That first stanza feels very observational, which I like; 'half-lidded' (ohmygod! Somebody who knows how to use hyphens! LoL) and yeah...'sobriety'...you crack me up.
"and i can hear"
Get rid of the 'can'. (Or don't. LoL)
"gentle
reverberations of light"
That really makes me think of drunk people "seeing the light" and it ties in really well with the Poe lines you borrowed.
"as you mumble about
"the molten-golden notes"
of icecubes against glass"
LOVELOVELOVE!
...you intentionally didn't have a space in between 'ice' and 'cubes', then? I didn't think you'd pick up that style, but it works.
Love the Poe reference (even though I think he's hugely overrated and somebody is probably going to chase me with a glass of whisky to hit over my head of awesome hair <==my hair is one of the few physical attributes I lovelovelove about myself...how did I get so off-topic?) and the sound of the ice cubes...because I could hear them.
Thanks for entering, Lly!!
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Jessica
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I will make the edits that you suggested - it seems more polished that way ... I kind of meant the "icecubes" being one word - but mostly because we have an "icecube" brand ice tray 
I can change it if you like? I like Poe - but I don't particularly like The Raven, such a hugely overrated poem my favorite body part of mine is my forearms they are so great!
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