her pupils sip distorted nicotine
as she whispers that she hates him
for staring at a screen over her
(though he doesn't pay attention),
she curls into herself and drops
pennies in a jar, saving so that maybe
one will grant her a wish someday,
and when she lays beside him
she tries so hard to get her heartbeat
to match his, but he rolls over and
she fingers her insecurities
like ribbons in her hair.
all she wants is a simple moment
where he could trace his devotion
over every one of her knuckles and
hold her close to share her precious
oxygen, not just because he wants her;
she wants him to need her. "hold my hand,"
she begs, silvered gaze and tip-toe pleases.
she's never felt so much and so little
about someone, dreaming of growing up with
children, as she sighs into
doubt-dusted licorice arms, unnoticed.
forever does not seem to exist anymore;
she presses daisy petals into her palms,
reciting the usual "he loves me, he loves me
not" -- they are so close, sharing the same
spiced atmosphere, but still he wanders,
chasing after apparitions with fiery hair
and cappucino lips. she wrestles the few
what-if's into dazed, dreary sleep.
she pens her sorrows into grey lace
and heads-on-shoulders that never
solidify. yet again he steadily
moves farther away. paper music litters
her floor; nothing ever sounds right when
he's not around, and he's never around.
but she's still clinging to smiley-face
balloons filled with carbon dioxide --
maybe just one more exhale. maybe then.
Author notes
Dedicated to couples/would-be couples I know of.
A contest entry
- Titles! by Walking Oxymoron.
700 points, ended December 28, 2008, 25 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - emotion illness rounds - AUDITIONS by stasis.
700 points, ended February 7, 36 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - there is no such thing as the past cuz memories haunt forever.. by Temptation..
700 points, ended February 10, 25 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewritten contest for group "So you want comments" by serenity silvermoon.
400 points, ended February 3, 77 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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she pens her sorrows into grey lace
and heads-on-shoulders that never
solidify. yet again he steadily
moves farther away. paper music litters
her floor; nothing ever sounds right when
he's not around, and he's never around.
but she's still clinging to smiley-face
balloons filled with carbon dioxide --
maybe just one more exhale. maybe then.
thats my favorite part...
best of luck in my contest! -
i loved your first para. your imagery is beautiful and pretty graphic. i like the loneliness and the most subtle feelings you captured very delicately.
thanks for entering and best of luck in my contest
-
yes.
I loved this.
she wants him to need her. "hold my hand,"
she begs, silvered gaze and tip-toe pleases.
that part was so strong.
your descriptions and imagery are amazing, as well as the rest of your poetic devices.
as well, the emotion blew me away. -
wow. this is amazing. im speechless! thank you so much for entering and good luck!!!
-
Pardonme, but this entire piece is the shit.
"nothing ever sounds right when
he's not around, and he's never around.
but she's still clinging to smiley-face
balloons filled with carbon dioxide --
maybe just one more exhale. maybe then."
^^I nearly died reading that.
Great write.
Good luck in all those contests.
(:
-
Contains excellent, unique, creative imagery in this write. Quite liked it.
-
yes.
First of all, your last line quite literally kicked my ass. This is a very strong piece in general, I think, and portrayed these couples with excellent finesse.
There were a few awkward lines, but it didn't really interfere with the strength of the piece.
Please wait for the other judge's comment.
♣ Tegan -
wow....this poem was very good, and the words flowed like a stream. the imagery is amazing. thanks for entering my contest and good luck!
-
This was well worded. I enjoyed every line. I was about to say something about punctuation, but screw it. I like this piece too much. Great job and good luck in my contest!
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So many lines here that seem brilliant to me. The imagery is great and it is filled with feeling and emotion. Nice job and thank you for entering.
-
she fingers her insecurities
like ribbons in her hair.
complete genuis.. absolutely loved it. -
It's such a shame that relationships can go like this. Stuey and I were a little like this a while ago. I mean, he just wouldn't show his emotions at all and was very 'stiff' in the sense of showing effection. Now we've got the initial intimacy sorted out & I've told him how I can't bare not understanding his emotions, it eased up a little. But I tell you, it was so hard to ask.
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Awww... this is so sad! I knew a few people like this and it was heartbreaking to watch. It made me want to go backhand the guy. She always deserves so much better. The words you used for this were perfect fits. This was a very good write. I am glad you decided to enter it!
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Omg! this actually brought tears to my eyes as I often lie next to my partner and cry from so many of these thoughts and feelings...
i loves these lines:
she fingers her insecurities
like ribbons in her hair.
(they gripped me as this is what I do) I really feel this one and I think I may have to read more of your stuff sometime x bless be
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This is incredible.
So sad, so lilting.
Makes me glad right now that I am single, that I don't have to feel that gut wrenching longing, that promise of living in a lie. A long sad drawn out lie.
My favoiurite lines?
she fingers her insecurities
like ribbons in her hair.
she's never felt so much and so little
about someone,
but still he wanders,
chasing after apparitions with fiery hair
and cappuccino lips.
You, are an incredible writer. -
This makes me think of my boyfriend and I.
>.>
Sad, huh? haha.
And it reminds me of my style too,
except better of course.
It turned out really nicely.
Great job. <3 -
Whether or not I am one of those mentioned in here, it was... very wrenching. The last stanza was particularly... yeah.
Another I-nearly-cried moment. Well done.
-
wowowow.
this is SO beautiful.
im in love with this poem.
the flow is perfect, not one word is out of place.
the imagery is beautiful. im actually pretty stunned by this piece.
i honestly love this, you're an amazing writer.
i wish i coudl write like this
you're definitely going to place in this contest. this is amazing and i cannot say it enough.
♥Emma
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=]
beautiful.
kind of sad too
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I like it, it's so honest. It doesnt sugar coat anything and makes you really wonder why we as people dive into relationships just to have this feeling. I like it, because of it's honesty.
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