i.
I crawled;
the taste of sulfur evaded my mouth as
you applied the millions of accomplished
lies upon my lips. my body burned into
rejected ash
ii.
I stumbled;
it was like, I was never enough for you.
you filled me with beautiful helium dreams
of unconditional devotion and flashed holograms
that made me wish upon the stars again.
iii.
I walked;
storms eroded from beneath the ground and pulled
you from underneath me, and I felt alone. the racing
of your pulse was no longer against the heat of my lips
and feared that you had dissolved into me and that
we were no longer two separate people anymore
iv.
I ran;
we played a game of hide and seek, I counted to 10 and
you took off silently. when my eyes flashed open, I couldn't
find you. I screamed your name till my lungs evaporated and
the whites of my eyes glazed over to midnight black.
if I told you this was killing me, would you stop?
Author notes
this was just some random write. if it is enjoyable thanks if not or there could be work done to it. let me know
A contest entry
- pretty much ANYTHING goes. by etoile.
825 points, ended January 11, 43 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Bored Enter!!!!! Need to Read Something!!!!! by fairytalelovestory.
700 points, ended January 8, 129 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make Me Feel Again by lilblueeyesmine1978.
525 points, ended January 15, 55 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I was his.
Comments
1 - 41 of 41
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i love the i's i ran i did this i did that.
creative
- lovely write. -
we played a game of hide and seek, I counted to 10 and
you took off silently. when my eyes flashed open, I couldn't
find you. I screamed your name till my lungs evaporated and
the whites of my eyes glazed over to midnight black.
if I told you this was killing me, would you stop?
stunning right there! -
i liked this
This was a great write, good job with this, loved the descriptions great job, good write
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we played a game of hide and seek, I counted to 10 and
you took off silently. when my eyes flashed open, I couldn't
find you. I screamed your name till my lungs evaporated and
the whites of my eyes glazed over to midnight black.
if I told you this was killing me, would you stop?
This stanza stands out to me. Ireally love tjeh imagery here/. thanks for entering.
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i love this.
it's beautiiful. the imagery is amazing. i have nothing bad to say about this. it's amazing.
the ending could've been stronger, but still it's amazing.
thanks for entering and goodluck
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I agree with the popular opinion here. I'm really digging the layout for each part: the action followed closely by the delicious poem.
Good Luck in the contest.
- Aly -
I quite like the beginning of each stanza, almost like an introduction. After reading through the previous comments this seems to be a popular opinion also. Great work.
Thanks for entering.
Laura. -
Powerful punch...keep up the good penning.
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Interesting
This was a unique way to present this poem. I enjoyed it very much. It was very emotional and carnal in a way. very well done -
i really like the actions in this.
&& the way everything flowed together
from crawling to running.
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holy shit that was amazing great job
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i really like this.
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Hm. Intresting. I like the actions
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Very nice. I particularly admired the "actions" that led into each stanza; they made nice transitions, and the way they go from crawling to running, and the process in between of getting up off the floor is impressive, and I like that creative touch. Your phrasing is nice, and the emotion is refreshing. You offer a good message, and a great idea for a poem, as well as the "actions" idea, which was my favorite part!
Thanks for posting this for the group to read, since I'm glad I had something interesting to read!
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thanks so much, it kind of just sparked me to do so, the actions that is. but thanks so muchi got this idea i think from a good friends poem and it sparked to write this one.
though i haven;t grown comfortable to this paprticular style i may write more like this, you never know.
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wow amazing write it was great. i liked how you described all actions, you very talented keep it up.
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thanks bunches
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It is enjoyable, very clear. Some poetic statements are not clear but I found I understood this or at least I think I did, if you're going to change anything just remember you're on the right track with this one.
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thanks, last time i wrote a poem like this, someone said that i exposed everything instead of explaining things. and its funny to know that i may have over done it. lol but thanks for your comment
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i like the form you used.
i love the poem.
i hate your grammar >.< -
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its funny that you are the first person to comment on the grammar.
what exactly is wrong with it? -
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Sorry, I meant no offense. I'm just a grammar nazi haha.
The lack of punctuation irks me, it's part of the O.C.D.
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I LOVE THIS!!! its simply amazing
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This is really good. I liked your metaphor. I see this could be talking about many things. The lose of one's imagination for one, or a loved one, or even a possible addiction. I could keep thinking there are so many. This is kewl, because so many different people I'm sure could relate to this.
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This is beautiful. I love the stuttering in between stanzas, adds a beautiful touch to it. I could feel the emptiness as I read each line. Honestly, I magnificent piece of writing. I especially like your choice of words, quite different. Like "eroded", "applied", "evaporated". The last line, was exceptionally written, and is a wonderful ending. I think this is a common feeling of most people who lose someone. You have taken every unspoken word out of everyone's mouth and made them your own. Very well written.
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Random, shmandom.
This was BRILLIANT.
The first Stanza was amazing, I think my favorite part was... well, darn it, I just can't decide, 'tis all simply amazing.
Second Stanza?
Perfection within and of itself, although my favorite perfect part was "you filled me with beautiful helium dreams
of unconditional devotion", I think I really like the "helium dreams."
And I would quote 3 and 4 but it may look like spam because I honestly just want to copy this whole poem and put it in this comment, it's just so good.
Though, the fourth Stanza is my favorite out of everything, and I love the ending, it's perfect.
Absolutely phenomenal, If I could give you a million little applause thingies, I would, it's just so awesome!
I needed to read this, it's amazing, you need to KEEP WRITING, I am now inspired to read the rest of your work, which I'm sure is as fabulous and exceptional as this.
PROFOUND job.
Bravo.
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oh my! thanks a lot lol. i will try my hardest to keep writing...the muse fades in and out it seems! but omg your comment is one that made me actually smile.
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I SO FEEL THIS....
<3STEF
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amazing, as always.
the build up was great, and i felt it really painfully in my chest... something that can invoke that reaction is brilliant.
i like the lungs evaporated part a lot, actually.
and the last line was a great ending.
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lol i hope ur heart didn't stop in the process. thanks bunches.
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I like the way your wonderful piece of poetry was expressed here. Imagery was amazing throughout the whole entire piece. I love the phrases 'millions of accomplished lies you placed upon my lips' and 'glazed over to midnight black. I enjoyed the last three lines of the second stanza. So descriptive. The way you ended it was intense and powerful. I loved it! Great job!
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lol i haven't heard anything that i've written 'intense' & 'powerful' that means lots! thankies
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we played a game of hide and seek, I counted to 10 and
you took off silently. when my eyes flashed open, I couldn't
find you. I screamed your name till my lungs evaporated and
the whites of my eyes glazed over to midnight black.
that was my favorite part i could like imagine the whole scene
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thanks bunches, i did what i could to paint a picture ^_^
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A good expression.
Be Well.
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thankies ^_^
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A good write, just with the last phrase, "lungs evaported" could possible find a better phrase Aside from that I think it is great. Cheers
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i tried, but nothing clicked. so i chose that one...though i may change evaporated to collapse.. who knows
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'iv.
I ran;
we played a game of hide and seek, I counted to 10 and
you took off silently. when my eyes flashed open, I couldn't find you. I screamed your name till my lungs evaporated and the whites of my eyes glazed over to midnight black.
if I told you this was killing me, would you stop?'
I loved the gradual strength in your opening line of each stanza, from I crawled, to I ran, that was brilliant I thought, also lovelovelove that final stanza, the imagery is fantastic and the last line just gave me goosebumps from where I can relate.
♥
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ooo, goosebumps. then maybe i'm doing something right lol
thanks bunches for your comment -
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I think you are lol
it's okie doke
♥
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