You brought me Paper Mache stars painted in shades of grey and purple, then asked me if they matched the colors of your heart, and told how unfamiliar you were with it. You lived in a black and white world, where I often found myself describing everything we came across to you, but I could never describe all the different shades of violet.
You grabbed the midnight stars from the sky crushing them between your palms & said, "This is what it feels like when I'm around you". To you; my green eyes are grey and my freckles are almost invisible. You confessed how sometimes you wish you were completely blind, and how the only reason its "sometimes" is because you would miss watching me sleep. We'll cling to each other's hips and mold together: I'll be a part of you and you're be the best part of me.
When we were nine I found your thumbs pressed into your closed eyelids. I asked you why you were doing it, and you answered, "I'm tired of being different. I want to see like they do." Back then I wish I could of shown you how normal wasn't always better, that being different wasn't bad, because when you're nine-when you're innocent you're scared of being something out of the ordinary. Instead you’ve chosen to blend into the hypocrisy of normal.
Author notes
so far not that good.
"grabs a hammer and goes on a hunt for muse got to bang it into shape"
I was actually going to put this at the end but i changed my mind
"Im tired of being the only one who doesnt see it, im tired of different".
Not sure about the word "norms" I cant find another to fit.
Comments
1 - 50 of 50
-
When we were nine I found your thumbs pressed into your closed eyelids. I asked you why you were doing it, and you answered, "I'm tired of being different. I want to see like they do."
-----------------
brilliant
idk what to say i think it is amazing -
not that good, your crazy!
- this peice is great to me just the way it is. i loved every moment of it. there wasnt one time i was reading and i wanted to turn away.
"You grabbed the midnight stars from the sky crushing them between your palms & said, "This is what it feels like when I'm around you".
- this made me want to keep reading. beautiful write. i love it. -
-
Beautiful write! So story-like, but still very poetic! In the last stanza I would add a little more for a transition between talking about how being different isn't bad and the last line because everything else is written in the past tense. Does this person listen to what you say? Does this person try to embrace his/her difference? Does he/she "blend in the the hypocrisy of normal" right away or later on? Or did you mean that last line to be in past tense?
Beautiful work!
~Angi
-
Love this Human tale.
A tale that applies equally to many, at the same time so importantly to the individual whatever their disability. filled with pathos, and indeed hope. This is an important contribution to many poetic philosophic contentions. loved every word, congratulations.
-
I read one of the comments below which says you should try re-writing this as a poem-I disagree this is very poetic as it is. Poetry comes in all forms. I think as you re-visit this piece through time you will find some words or little phrases you might want to add or change. As for myself I think it is wonderful as is and an excellent idea running throughout. I wonder did your story feed off the title (Colorblind) or did the story come first and then the title? I would wager a little of both. Really enjoyed the read thanks...peace
-
There is so much I like here.
Like the different timescales and how each of the three parts is different but is related to colour/black and white and relationships.
"You've chosen to blend into the hypocrisy of the normal" is a wonderful finish...I wish I had written that line .
The last two sentences in the second part (beginning "We'l cling to..." ) don't seem to be fit with the rest...but they are good lines.
I like the format of it being written like prose ...but it is truly poetic.
The whole of this matches a current obssession I have with the consequences of taking or not taking the advice "Forget the World"
-
wow this is really good! i like it very much. its really different then most of the things i read. and that is wha makes it good i believe. great write
-
I don't know what it is about this write of yours that keeps me drawn to this particular piece.
It's really something different that it has somehow ispired me. Thanks...
-Blanche
-
try rewriting this as a poem. I happen to know you are on to something
-
I like it... honestly, not very poetic but a clear prose for sure
-
I really like this peice. You have taken someone who is self-consious about something and explained that sometimes it is for that exact reason someone else likes them. Good work!
-
"instead you blend with societies insignificance" ?
just a suggestion for your last line.
very complex and original piece, not what one usually finds these days. I enjoyed this, but to be honest like sandi alford mentioned, there are a few awkward parts in here that are disallowing the piece to flow smoothly.
-
Fantastic musing here, describing colorblind. It has a very personal flavor that shows a first love, tenderness, caring, sharing...all the little things that point to a soulmate, and with that, wishing you could have helped the situation, helpless is penned very well here.
As to a constructive comment, you just need to fix a few spots of run on sentences and punch up your punctuation and grammer and also a thought to past and present. (all of these are small issues,
pm on it's way to specifics, I'm not going to bog down your page in trivalties)
Other than that, this is a great piece indeed
Let the ink flow!
love and blessings, sandi
-
I loved "we'll cling to each other's hips and mold together"..but as someone said earlier I think you meant "you'll be the best part of me"... very good personal write overall!!
-
Absolutely brilliant.
I actually love the idea of this. Im usually a complete critic but im loving this. My favorite part is where he says that he would like to be completely blind sometimes...but he would miss watching her sleep. That is Brilliant. I cant wait until you get done with this. There was a few grammer problems with it,but its a work in progress and the brilliance of this write overshadows everything else. Great Job.
Now,please do as you said you would and return the favor. Comment my latest poem, "Clever, She Says" Its a love peom as well. I think you would enjoy it.
-Selithia
-
Hmm.. I really like where this is going.
It does kind of feel like something's missing though.
I'd be very interested to say this when you deem it finished, cause it's already pretty fabulous now.
Well done.
- Allura
-
thids ids really great!!!! I love the imagray that you put in it and all the feelings great write!!! hope you have fun working it out the way you want it
-
aww how sweet.
its cute that it was only sometimes so they could watch you sleep. that was just like the biggest smile i've had all day.
and since youre not finished, i believe that the rest will be very fititing. but im loving it so far
-
This poem is so sweet. I loved it. the imagery and word play was damn near perfect. I saw you words, not just read them. It was a little story that was so poignant and sad. I love it. Dont change a thing!
-
i think this write is written well.no need to add or change anything..
-
idk but i thought it was good I cant wait to read the final draft
-
I like it, there's sweet emotions and intent in it. I would run a grammer check and spell check though.
you're be the best part of me.
I believe is meant "you'll be the best part of me"?
Also the lack of punctuations are a bit distracting and take away from the total impact I think this writting could have.
Other words for "norms" typical, conventional, lucid, sane, wholesome, regular, whole. <-- from Websters thesaurus. I like norms though, it really works for me.
I think it's a great write though, and would love to see the final piece.
-
nice
well you might not think it's good
but...i like it ,pretty good! -
Excellent write here. Clear emotion throughout.
-
I like this, it's a good piece.
Use a little more punctuation in the first paragraph, but I really like the description of crushing stars.
Are they blind? Because you could do with making that a little clearer. I'm just left guessing as to what you are trying to say, same with the general tone of the piece. I can't decide if it's happy or sad.
But it's a good piece
-
-
I just added more to the poem he's colorblind he sees in neutral colors. Im not sure yet if im going to make this happy or sad probably both towards the end. Im still working on the poem so the punctuation and grammar is being put in while I read over it.
-
-
+O
I absolutely love this!
Its so awesome and I love it love it love it
I only thinks it needs more.
And thats all I find wrong with it really.
-
Hi Danielle
You have painted your picture here. It is YOURS. and tells a beautiful story.
Tell me, if this was painted with a brush and paints, would you keep changing it? What a mess it would be trying to fix colours that had melded into the paper.
Such is poetry. Your work is committed to paper for all to see.
All you should be doing is making sure your spelling and layout make it the perfect piece. Capitals at the begining of a sentence. Always important to do the tidy up. No more is needed.
This is a delightful poem. Your content needs nothing more. It is perfect the way it is.
-
Interesting as it is, I like the concepts you have going on here. Certainly am looking forward to seeing where you take this
-
i like the feel of this, something about the overall sense of it..
. it feels unfinished, but then, you said you're still working out it. some good ideas though to be expanded on. the third section was my least favorite since it just didn't say 'i'm an awesome stanza' to me like the others. i like the ending of it, so bittersweet. looking forward to seeing how this piece progresses. best wishes
-
In the 10th line shouldit be it is "sometimes".... I would also eleminate the contractions as they are a lasy way of writing. I like what you are doing here. I have problems with on line talk. I prefer face to face. That must be the instructor in me. I look forward to see more of this. Please take my crits. as helpful.
-
Another great write coming together, I really like it.
Keep writing..take on some of the advice given below.
Great imagery. Well done.
-
hey i really liked this poem, and i think that the third stanza could use a little work, i mean i like it but its a bit confusing and im not sure what you mean. i think you mean you'll instead of your. i really like the ending! its my favorite part! good work
-
nice sentiments . . first two paragraphs seem the best . .
-
I love the part about the colors, it's very poetic and original but I think it needs more personal history, why does the person live in black and white? etc just to make things a little clearer for the reader.
-
I like this piece, you've expressed the best feelings a person can have.
Way to go!
Nela -
Line 8 delete last word (be). Line are prose, but could become verse with different line brake. Confusion in line 2- who is (your) supposed to be? Narrator or narrator's subject. Line 3 capital Y in your. Some mixed signs of capital letter and small (e.g. i). Last line (YOUR-should read YOU WOULD). I love the intent and direction this takes the reader. It is wonderfully penned for word content
-
awwww i like it
i like the imagiry here and the emotion , i could feel the love great work
-
A very interesting poem about the confusion of life and the power of love. The imagery is great and the storyline is intriguing. The last line took a few reads to understand tho. And its weird that they would want to be blind, but only like to watch you sleep. It'd be better to catch every moment together, especially when you're awake to share them
-
Wow
That is an amazing peice of such emotion and I think the last part is the powerful part of it. Really beautiful and nice.
To people who didnt understand.. Re-read it and you will get it XD.. lol
-
I love the line You grabbed the midnight stars from the sky crushed them between your palms & said this is what it feels like when im around you. that to me is so beautiful. very nice write.
-
Last line makes not sence
Other than that its wonderful
-
-
the guy she's in love with is colourblind he only sees in black and white and sometimes he wants to see nothing at all but he would miss watching his girlfriend sleep because you know when you love someone just being near them makes you happy even when their sleeping
i hope i made you understand it a bit more
-
-
I don't understand the last line
I like it but i don't understand the last line.
It is a rather pretty poem ,in how it describes things.
With some work it could be a really nice piece of writing.
-
-
the guy she's in love with is colourblind he only sees in black and white and sometimes he wants to see nothing at all but he would miss watching his girlfriend sleep because you know when you love someone just being near them makes you happy even when their sleeping
i hope i made you understand it a bit more
-
-
hmm
perhaps form it more int prose form also dp,e problems with the tense of words keep at it there is allot of meas in this piece
-
-
i dont know how to do dp
would love to learn it
-
-
This is a very emotional and moving piece with grest imagery and metaphor. I would think it could benefit from being structured into a more verse format to avoid long sentences being cut in half at innapropriate times.
-
I like the direction your going with this. "You grabbed the midnight stars from the sky and crushed them between your palms & said "This is what it feels like when im around you".
That line really struck me, the image conveyed and the added dialogue. It almost seems like a love poem that is not quite a love poem, but wishes to be something deeper. It's very captivating
Cheers,
Tala
Adding your comment:
1 - 50 of 50
